A year ago today was my due date from my last pregnancy. That was a sad day, but at the same time a liberating day. I told myself that was my last day of being allowed to feel sorry for myself. Yes, what we went through was crap but other people go through worse. When that day came and went it was as if a weight had been lifted and I could move on.
Who knew what the future would bring. No one would have anticipated that less than 6 months later I would be having two babies about to start a fight for their lives. I never would have anticipated that I would have had the strength to deal with what the boys were going through, yet somehow I did, and I credit our loss as practice for the different sort of grieving process that lay ahead.
As I type this post it is with complete astonishment that it was only this morning that I remembered the significance of May 4. For days I have been wondering what today meant, assuring myself I must just be confusing it with the birthdays of several family members within this week. And then this morning it hit me. If things were different, we would have a one year old daughter. I am very sad and reflective, thinking of what she would have been, but more so to think that without losing her, we would not have the boys.
It reminds me of one day last year, not long after the due date passed and I was telling a friend I was pregnant again. I was saying how I was excited to be having another baby (not knowing at the time it was 2) but still so sad, thinking about what "should" have been with the last pregnancy. It was at that point that she stopped me and said "Did you ever think that maybe THIS pregnancy is what should have been?.
So yes boys, you really are what should have been. You were my destiny. I firmly believe that everything that has happened in this life has taken me to where I am today, mother to three amazingly strong kids. I can't say that the birth of the boys or anything else has made me get over our loss; I never will. But as I look at the little miracles that are our sons, I can't imagine if things were different and they weren't here with us, exactly as they were meant to be. I also take a lot of comfort believing that the five of us have a very special guardian angel who has helped us get through some tough times.
What a difference a year makes to put your life into perspective...