The bitterness that is. When do I stop being bitter towards everyone who has full term, healthy pregnancies and babies?
After losing the last pregnancy, I felt I had a right to be bitter. That was a pretty horrifying loss and it felt really unfair. But I hoped that once I had another healthy baby that bitterness would dissipate and life with that new baby would carry on as it should.
Well that didn't exactly happen did it? The circumstances around the boys' pregnancy, birth, and first 5 months of their lives just added to that bad taste in my mouth. How did we have the bad luck of both of these sad circumstances happening to us when so many people around us were having repeatedly uneventful pregnancies? I did everything right! I ate properly, I took good care of myself, I was a model pregnant mom. Even when put on bedrest I played by the rules. Yet these bad things still happened. And yes I will admit, going through what we went through with both events opened my eyes to the number of pregnancy losses, premature births, and fertility issues... the list goes on and on about sad child bearing stories, a lot of which are sadder than ours. But regardless of what those people went through, I still felt sorry for myself. I still DO feel sorry for myself. And I want it to end.
When I hear pregnant people complain about their aches and pains and sleeplessness and tiredness and being overdue, inside I am screaming at them to shut the *beep* up. And when I hear of exhausted new parents, I think lucky you. I would much rather have been up all night every night than the early days at home with no babies, losing sleep over the fact that my babies might not make it, or if they did, what kind of life they might face.
I don't feel good about any of these feelings. I know what it's like to be 38 weeks pregnant and hot and miserable. I know what it's like to have a 3 week old baby and be hovering around on auto pilot, barely able to carry on a conversation. Yet somehow I am terribly jealous of anyone who is going through either of those things.
I thought I might be doing better because I have a couple of friends that are pregnant and I am genuinely happy for them. But then this morning, I realized how pathetic I really still am. Our midwife was supposed to come over and meet the boys (for the first time outside of hospital) and she had to cancel because someone was in labour. I was not upset that she cancelled, because you know that in making plans with someone who delivers babies your plans could easily have to be postponed. But I was upset that someone was in labour. Some complete stranger was in labour and I got teary telling Jordan about it. Not teary in an "Oh isn't that sweet" kind of way, teary in a "When I called Colleen and told her I was in labour, why did it have to be at 26 weeks?" kind of way.
So to those of you who've been through prematurity, loss, infertility, or any combination of the above - WHEN does it go away? Am I normal, or am I a horrible bitch that is terribly self centered and needs to just get over it? I ask myself if this is all made worse by the fact that we still don't know what the future holds for the boys. Sure they are doing great now, but it will take a few years until we know what long term damage, if any, has been done. So am I bitter still because I am so scared of what is yet to come?
To cut myself a tiny bit of slack, I guess that to some extent I have dealt with it. I do understand that without all of this happening we wouldn't have our beautiful boys and in that sense I wouldn't trade a minute of the pain for the love and amazement they have brought us. So why can't I just move on all together? I want to like pregnant women again! I want to think they're cute, not silently curse their full term bellies. I want to be overjoyed to hear of a big fat 9 lb newborn, not feel ill with jealousy, remembering my tiny 2 lb babies. I want to feel empathy towards a mom who is scared when her full term baby needs to spend a couple nights under observation in the NICU. I want to feel sorry for sleep deprived new parents because I remember how terribly hard that is. I want to stop feeling so spiteful towards all of it.
Please tell me one day I will?