The bitterness that is. When do I stop being bitter towards everyone who has full term, healthy pregnancies and babies?
After losing the last pregnancy, I felt I had a right to be bitter. That was a pretty horrifying loss and it felt really unfair. But I hoped that once I had another healthy baby that bitterness would dissipate and life with that new baby would carry on as it should.
Well that didn't exactly happen did it? The circumstances around the boys' pregnancy, birth, and first 5 months of their lives just added to that bad taste in my mouth. How did we have the bad luck of both of these sad circumstances happening to us when so many people around us were having repeatedly uneventful pregnancies? I did everything right! I ate properly, I took good care of myself, I was a model pregnant mom. Even when put on bedrest I played by the rules. Yet these bad things still happened. And yes I will admit, going through what we went through with both events opened my eyes to the number of pregnancy losses, premature births, and fertility issues... the list goes on and on about sad child bearing stories, a lot of which are sadder than ours. But regardless of what those people went through, I still felt sorry for myself. I still DO feel sorry for myself. And I want it to end.
When I hear pregnant people complain about their aches and pains and sleeplessness and tiredness and being overdue, inside I am screaming at them to shut the *beep* up. And when I hear of exhausted new parents, I think lucky you. I would much rather have been up all night every night than the early days at home with no babies, losing sleep over the fact that my babies might not make it, or if they did, what kind of life they might face.
I don't feel good about any of these feelings. I know what it's like to be 38 weeks pregnant and hot and miserable. I know what it's like to have a 3 week old baby and be hovering around on auto pilot, barely able to carry on a conversation. Yet somehow I am terribly jealous of anyone who is going through either of those things.
I thought I might be doing better because I have a couple of friends that are pregnant and I am genuinely happy for them. But then this morning, I realized how pathetic I really still am. Our midwife was supposed to come over and meet the boys (for the first time outside of hospital) and she had to cancel because someone was in labour. I was not upset that she cancelled, because you know that in making plans with someone who delivers babies your plans could easily have to be postponed. But I was upset that someone was in labour. Some complete stranger was in labour and I got teary telling Jordan about it. Not teary in an "Oh isn't that sweet" kind of way, teary in a "When I called Colleen and told her I was in labour, why did it have to be at 26 weeks?" kind of way.
So to those of you who've been through prematurity, loss, infertility, or any combination of the above - WHEN does it go away? Am I normal, or am I a horrible bitch that is terribly self centered and needs to just get over it? I ask myself if this is all made worse by the fact that we still don't know what the future holds for the boys. Sure they are doing great now, but it will take a few years until we know what long term damage, if any, has been done. So am I bitter still because I am so scared of what is yet to come?
To cut myself a tiny bit of slack, I guess that to some extent I have dealt with it. I do understand that without all of this happening we wouldn't have our beautiful boys and in that sense I wouldn't trade a minute of the pain for the love and amazement they have brought us. So why can't I just move on all together? I want to like pregnant women again! I want to think they're cute, not silently curse their full term bellies. I want to be overjoyed to hear of a big fat 9 lb newborn, not feel ill with jealousy, remembering my tiny 2 lb babies. I want to feel empathy towards a mom who is scared when her full term baby needs to spend a couple nights under observation in the NICU. I want to feel sorry for sleep deprived new parents because I remember how terribly hard that is. I want to stop feeling so spiteful towards all of it.
Please tell me one day I will?
Tracey, You don't know me and I have not personally met you, but feel like I have after reading your Blog. Our oldest was 7 weeks premature and in the NICU for 17 days. I know that is NOTHING in comparison to what you have been through, but it was still gut renching for us. I too went through major guilt and resentment. I wanted the "perfect birth". I wanted to push our son out. I could never have imagined that I would have become so very sick and would be under a general to deliver the child that I had always dreamed off. You're damn right I was angry. Whenever one of my friends mentioned that they couldn't wait for their pregnancy to end, I would get angry and want to scream at them (sometimes I did) that they wanted that precious life too stay inside of them for as long as possible. It still makes me see red 3 years later.
ReplyDeleteCut yourself some slack. I read your blog, not to necessarily be nosy, but because YOU INSPRIRE ME EVERYDAY. I mean that. Whenever I am having a hard day, I tend to think of you and what you face/d on a daily basis. You have every right to be angry. You need to go through these feelings. As far as I am concerned it would be strange if you didn't. Give yourself time. You can't change what happened. It could have been far worse. I think that you are doing a fabulous job. It instead of getting down on yourself, you need to give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it.
A.
I've often wondered the same thing. When will I be able to look at a pregnant belly and be happy, not just fill up with thoughts about why? My next door neighbor is pregnant with twin boys. Her pregnancy mirrored mine. She's pg with fraternals; she was put on bed rest at week 20. But she stayed pregnant. She has a c-section date for the end of the month. She'll likely take home her boys after her delivery with little to no NICU time. I am happy for her...for them. But a part of me hates her. It is getting harder and harder to even look at her and smile when I see her. It makes me feel so guilty and bad! I don't want to be that kind of person. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI hope someday it is better...easier for both of us. Until then, please know you are not alone. My guess is that there are many, many others who struggle with these same types of feelings.
Hugs.
Thank you for writing this post. You made me feel like I am not so horrible having these feelings. I could not have written it any better. I really don' t think these feelings will ever go away completely. For me somedays the bitterness isn' t as strong, but their are some days the tears can fall all day. It took me 4 years & 2 rounds of IVF to finally get pregnant. I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy due to bleeding the 1st trimester and being sick. I was put on bed rest at 26 weeks for preeclampsia. My twins had to be delivered at 28 weeks. My daughter has BPD. The fear of them getting sick and being put back in the hospital is still as strong as it was 2 years ago. I guess my point is I am so jealous of anyone that can get pregnant, have a normal pregnancy, have normal birth, and full term healthy baby. Call me bitter, I don't care. I would give anything to experiance that. I want another baby more than anything, but I want that experiance not my experiance. I know I am very bless for my outcome. There are many people that would love to be in my shoes. I hope it does get better, but I really don't think it will. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I enjoy reading your blog. Andrea
ReplyDeleteTracey, you WILL feel good again about all kinds of things. It takes time and waiting sucks!! You can still (and have every right to) grieve what you lost even though you DO have the boys who are thriving, you did miss out on a full pregnancy and "normal" birth...whatever that means. You guys have gone through hell and it takes a bit to adjust to life as it is now with fewer shoes dropping with every day the boys progress. I learned a little trick that might help you beat yourself up less...talk to yourself as you would talk to a girlfriend that you love and respect. If a friend were in your position and talked about feeling the way you do, you'd respond with compassion and understanding...the same things you deserve to give yourself my friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the nice comments everyone! I appreciate your understanding and encouragement! A...I inspire you? I'm honoured. Very.
ReplyDeleteYes you do inspire me. You are doing a fantastic job where I feel like I am constantly sinking with a hubby who works way too much and two healthy boys. Keep your chin up and remember things could have been so much worse. Give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve what could have been. I had to do it, and my (our) circumstances where just a drop in the bucket compared to the Hell that you have been through. You lost something that can never be replaced, BUT you have your beautiful angels who are getting stronger every day. Smile when you can and cry when you need to.
ReplyDeleteA.
I just wanted to say that you are honest and that is a big difference. We (all of us) walk through our lives daily being jealous/envious/watchful of other people (whether we want to or not) for such rediculous things (they are prettier, thinner, smarter, younger...) and you and your reasons are based on such a fundemental difference. Who knows if those feelings will ever completely go away, but surely just being open enough to recongnize it means you are on the path in the right direction, in my minds eye anyway. sacha
ReplyDeleteI think your anger is a normal stage in the grieving process. You had a significant loss on so many levels; all the hopes and dreams of an uncomplicated pregnancy and all the unknowns of the future due to that loss. If you do not allow yourself to truly feel and work through these feelings now they will just surface later and will likely seem out of place and more confusing. I admire how candid and honest you are. I truly love reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what happened to my last post, but yes you do inspire me on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteA.