When I look at the beautiful quilts that hung on the boys' isolettes and crib for 5 months, I now have no idea whose was whose. When I see the stuffies that also lay by their heads for their entire hospital stay I also couldn't tell you which belongs to which boy. And when I think of five months - FIVE MONTHS - that number does not seem real to me. Even when I try to make it register I cannot comprehend that we spent nearly half a year in the hospital. It feels like a lifetime ago.
But what really threw me for a loop yesterday was holding our friends' newborn baby. She is almost 4 times the weight the boys were yet she still seemed so tiny to me! HOW on earth have I forgotten how small our boys were compared to a normal full term baby?? I stared at her in disbelief, trying to calculate just how much smaller the boys were, but for the life of me I couldn't.
Sometimes it's sad when memories fade....you try to hold on to them and you can't. But in this case our less than ideal memories are fading away without me even realizing, or trying. I feel like these are the first steps to freeing myself from the burden of the past - what a great feeling that is.