Life Really Sucks Sometimes

Remember how 6 months ago I had to have a thyroid ultrasound because they had found a lump? Well the lump wasn't big enough to biopsy at that time but wasn't small enough to ignore, so my doctor sent me for a follow up ultrasound and potential biopsy in March. I did end up having a biopsy because it had grown, and so I have spent the past 3 weeks fearful of the results. I didn't tell many people what was going on as I didn't want everyone worried and then to have it all turn out fine. I had an appointment yesterday to find out the results, and all is not fine.

The good news: It is not definitively cancer.

The bad news: It is not definitely NOT cancer.

Did I lose you?

Basically, the results of the biopsy are inconclusive - it didn't show cancer, but it also didn't rule it out. Because the risk of cancer is there, my doctor wants it removed.

So what I know right now is that in 4-6 weeks I will meet with the surgeon and then 3-ish months after that I will have half of my thyroid taken out - the half with the lump. They will then send that sample to pathology and if they find nothing, we're done. If they find cancer, they go back in for a second surgery to remove the entire thyroid. Other treatment(s) will then likely follow but we didn't get into that. The appointment was a bit of a blur. In my typical organized fashion I had a list of questions for the doctor if it was cancer, and another list if it wasn't. Of course I didn't have a list of questions about the maybe is/maybe isn't cancer diagnosis. That one didn't factor in, imagine that.

So it is either a) Cancer, which really sucks or b) NOT cancer, which means I have been through surgery to remove half my thyroid gland for nothing, then leaving me with life long medication and a nasty scar on the front of my neck. Of course B is the preferred outcome, that goes without saying, but that outcome doesn't make me happy either. Either way, I'm looking at a life of drugs, a "medical condition" and a scar.

To say I am angry is an understatement. Livid and seething is more like it. Oh and throw in some devastation too. Can I wallow in self pity for a minute and ask WHY this is happening? Yes, I know it could be worse, much much worse, so PLEASE whatever you do don't point that out to me. Thinking about how much worse my life could be is what gets me through the day (while obviously thinking about the parts of it that are wonderful too). But thinking about how much EASIER it could be? That's a tough one not to think of too. I am exhausted by everything we have been thrown in the past 2 and a bit years. I am jealous when I look at other families around me. I am out of strength, yet need to muster it from somewhere.

I feel like my life is on pause until we meet the surgeon and then for months still after that until the surgery and the results come back. What does this do to all of our summer plans, or the trip to Mexico we are planning for the fall? More importantly, how am I supposed to walk around functioning like everything is normal?

I know the first question everyone is going to ask is "what can we do?" and I appreciate that so I'm going to tell you.

First and foremost, send positive vibes or prayers or whatever it is that you do to give this family strength. I am going to be selfish and say direct them first at me, but also at Jordan and Rio (I am hoping the boys come through all this without missing a beat!). When surgery/recovery happen, Jordan bears the brunt of the responsibility, not to mention the worry that I know he also carries but will never let on. And sweet Rio. I'm not telling her anything until I have to, but she is far too sensitive for her own good. Starting from when we lost the baby, through everything with the boys, she has been way too in tune with the emotions going on around her, no matter how much we have tried to shield her. She worries about us and she worries about her brothers, and that is so much for a four year old to take.

Secondly, babysitting. I know three kids is a lot to take, but again, when surgery and recovery happen, Jordan is going to need help. Lots of it. If you've noticed, we don't like to ask for help with the kids (hence the lack of date nights) but I think this time it's going to be necessary.

As per usual in times of crisis, I am putting the news out there and then telling you I don't want to talk about it till I'm ready. I know that kills those of you close to us who want to reach out in some way, but I need a few days to sort this all out myself.

I will be ok. What choice do I have?