Two weeks post diagosis, things are pretty much back to normal. The period of sadness that followed the news has morphed back into regular life - still a bit of sadness, but a lot of happiness and hope too.
I have been thinking a lot about why the diagnosis was so difficult to take, given that we knew it was coming. Again I will repeat that we weren't surprised, yet I was surprised in myself to feel such intense pain upon hearing the words.
I have come to realize that while I may not have been in denial, it was easy to go along with everyone else's very hopeful picture of our family:
There was endless talk of the boys playing hockey and being the next superstar Sedin twins.
There were jokes about the two of them chasing each other around the house, running us ragged.
There were conversations about backpacking adventures around the world.
When these conversations were happening, I would smile and go along with them even though I knew in my heart of hearts some of that was unlikely to happen. Because it was easier to "pretend" that our life was actually going to turn out like I had hoped it would, instead of admitting what I knew to be true.
And then the diagnosis came along. There was no "pretending" anything anymore.
Yes, Nolan may play hockey....and Asher may be a musical genius instead of receiving perfect cross ice passes from his brother.
Yes, they will find some way to chase each other around the house and run us ragged....just maybe not exactly how we'd pictured it.
Yes, we may still do family backpacking trips around the world....Asher might just need some extra time and assistance.
By no means are we going to let CP stop Asher, and us as a family from accomplishing our goals and dreams, but sometimes, it might take some more work and creativity. Our future will be a bright one....but it is still not the future we had imagined for ourselves. We have endless supportive CP families out there assuring me that we'll be ok and our lives will...one day...be "normal". Just a new normal.
I know that we are blessed and we are loved and that things could be so much worse. But things could also be easier, and for that, I accept the sadness.
Grieving the future you believed was rightfully yours is hard.