I Have a Confession

I have a confession and I'm not proud of it. I've wondered whether I should keep it to myself or share it with the world. But often times when you feel guilty about something there is a strange part of you that thinks you'll find relief by spilling the beans. So here goes.

I am NOT looking forward to the upcoming Canucks season. AT ALL.  In fact I feel a sense of dread.

There I said it. And I feel sick about it.

Did you think I was going to admit to something shocking and meaningful?! Well if you don't find this shocking and meaningful for me, then you haven't gotten to know me very well have you?*

Here's the thing. Last season was rough on me. I gave my heart and soul to that team. I watched every single regular season game, plus every playoff game. That's 107 games people! My children ate dinner at intermission and went to bed late. I logged more hours in front of the TV than I ever have in my entire life. I loved these boys like they were my second husbands brothers. And in the end, the disappointment was heartbreaking.

Let me use a little relationship analogy here...

I loved someone very, very much. I put everything into our relationship. There were times when I got angry and bitter, but more often than not I was loving and supportive. When times were tough, when others would have run, or jumped off the proverbial bandwagon, I stayed.

But then they hurt me. BADLY. I shouldn't have been surprised - they hurt me like this 17 years ago too. But I was young then - more eager to bounce back and forgive. But this time I had so much more invested. Should I take comfort that many others were hurt at the same time and I am not alone in my despair? Maybe. But instead I find myself envious that they can forgive more easily and are ready to wipe the slate clean looking forward to the future.

I even find myself with wandering eyes, checking out the Winnipeg Jets others. They are new and shiny and exciting, offering so much promise - an evil temptress.

In the end, I know I will forgive, of that I am certain. But to say "I'm over it" would be a lie. I need time and space to work through things.

So tonight, when the puck drops for the first regular season game, I will not be in attendance (ok, maybe I will, I'm pretty sure JT will drag us to a restaurant that's showing the game). But even if I'm physically watching, my heart won't be there. I'm trying. I'm catching snippets of the pre-season and attempting to let them woo me, but the attraction, at this point, is still not there.

Come April I know I'll be ready. At least that's what I'm working towards. But now, the pain is too fresh.

*I know this is the single most idiotic post I have ever written. But as I wrote every word I laughed. Not because I'm silly (ok I am) but because the amount of drama I portrayed is actually true. If you're not a Canucks fan, I hope this post at least made you smile at my ridiculousness.