Tuesday, August 30, 2011
More from the "Too Cute" Files
The kids' grandparents came to visit a couple of weeks ago and grampa just sent these pics. Deadly cute, hangin' on the deck.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Well Children
Today all three kids went to the doctor for their well child visits - 5 years for Rio and 18 months (corrected) for the boys. Stats are as follows:
Rio - Meeting all of her milestones. 51 lbs, 116 cm tall - 85th percentile all around. Big, eh?! The funny thing is, this is the smallest she has been in years. Not that she's shrinking, she just isn't growing like she used to. At her 4 year check up she was literally off the charts, whereas this year she's a well proportioned, tall, strong, 85%. Good girl!
Nolan - meeting all of his milestones except walking. 30 lbs (97th percentile) and 86 cm tall (97th percentile).
Asher - meeting all of his non-motor milestones. 29 lbs (just below the 97th percentile) and 87 cm tall (97th percentile).
If we were to measure Asher and Nolan against their actual age (almost 22 months) they'd still be above the 85th percentile for both height and weight. Love it! Formerly 2 lbs and a foot long - currently heavy weights!
We make healthy, happy, big kids!
Rio - Meeting all of her milestones. 51 lbs, 116 cm tall - 85th percentile all around. Big, eh?! The funny thing is, this is the smallest she has been in years. Not that she's shrinking, she just isn't growing like she used to. At her 4 year check up she was literally off the charts, whereas this year she's a well proportioned, tall, strong, 85%. Good girl!
Nolan - meeting all of his milestones except walking. 30 lbs (97th percentile) and 86 cm tall (97th percentile).
Asher - meeting all of his non-motor milestones. 29 lbs (just below the 97th percentile) and 87 cm tall (97th percentile).
If we were to measure Asher and Nolan against their actual age (almost 22 months) they'd still be above the 85th percentile for both height and weight. Love it! Formerly 2 lbs and a foot long - currently heavy weights!
We make healthy, happy, big kids!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Great Lakes
We had a weekend of going to some great lakes. Not THE great lakes, just generally good lakes around our parts.
On Friday, we had an impromptu invite to visit some friends for dinner and a swim at Shawnigan Lake. An infected incision (no worries, all hopefully good with some antibiotics) sidelined earlier plans, so we were luckily able to go. It was glorious. I wish I could post pics, but alas no camera, so let me just tell you that an after dinner swim was heavenly. It was the boys' first swim and they couldn't have loved it more! Great night with great friends and some crashed kids on the car ride home.
Saturday we were actually supposed to head to the same lake to visit other friends. But our van had other plans, flashing the "check engine" light to us on our way home Friday night. Not wanting to risk a potentially malfunctioning vehicle on a 40 minute drive over a mountain pass, we decided to refrain, and visit nearby Thetis Lake instead. We were there for all of two hours, but packed almost as much as we used to pack for a weekend of camping for two! Pretty sad that we used it all! Again, the kids had a blast, and now everyone is even more excited to hit the beach in Mexico.
Today is a quiet day around home with Jordan ripping up some massive laurel hedges in the back yard to allow for huuuuuge garden plots next spring. Will post some before and after pics when he's done.
Hope you're enjoying your weekend and the accompanying sun...at least for those of us on the opposite side of the continent from Irene!
On Friday, we had an impromptu invite to visit some friends for dinner and a swim at Shawnigan Lake. An infected incision (no worries, all hopefully good with some antibiotics) sidelined earlier plans, so we were luckily able to go. It was glorious. I wish I could post pics, but alas no camera, so let me just tell you that an after dinner swim was heavenly. It was the boys' first swim and they couldn't have loved it more! Great night with great friends and some crashed kids on the car ride home.
Saturday we were actually supposed to head to the same lake to visit other friends. But our van had other plans, flashing the "check engine" light to us on our way home Friday night. Not wanting to risk a potentially malfunctioning vehicle on a 40 minute drive over a mountain pass, we decided to refrain, and visit nearby Thetis Lake instead. We were there for all of two hours, but packed almost as much as we used to pack for a weekend of camping for two! Pretty sad that we used it all! Again, the kids had a blast, and now everyone is even more excited to hit the beach in Mexico.
Today is a quiet day around home with Jordan ripping up some massive laurel hedges in the back yard to allow for huuuuuge garden plots next spring. Will post some before and after pics when he's done.
Hope you're enjoying your weekend and the accompanying sun...at least for those of us on the opposite side of the continent from Irene!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Some Oldies
Obviously less than 1% of the photos we take of the kids make it onto the blog. Either I am posting about a specific thing that has accompanying pictures, or I am trying to keep the photos I include of each kid equal, or mostly, because there are just too many to share. I was going through old photos today so thought I would grab a few oldies that for whatever reason, never made it to the blog. There is no rhyme or reason to these, nor do I know how many I've included of A or N or R....I just included pics that jumped out at me.
Happy Saturday, enjoy our cute kids :)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
How It Was Found
As part of my not worrying/stressing/fixating on the possibility of cancer still growing and spreading, I am no longer going to talk about it. Not saying it won't come up, I'm sure it will. I have a frankenstein scar on my neck to remind me of it after all. But I won't write any more blog posts specificially about it, until say....6 months from now when I find out....all is still good.
But there is one more cancer related post I need to write. How this tumour came to be (found).
So let me ask - do you believe in Guardian Angels? If not, you will probably think this post is insane. Because although I don't mention things like that very often, I have some heavily vested personal interest in my own guardian angels (hello - if your own mother and daughter aren't your guardian angels, WHO ARE?!). I'll admit that sometimes I get angry at them and wonder where they are when I need them. But other times, like through this whole cancer ordeal, I believe they're right where they should be...
But there is one more cancer related post I need to write. How this tumour came to be (found).
So let me ask - do you believe in Guardian Angels? If not, you will probably think this post is insane. Because although I don't mention things like that very often, I have some heavily vested personal interest in my own guardian angels (hello - if your own mother and daughter aren't your guardian angels, WHO ARE?!). I'll admit that sometimes I get angry at them and wonder where they are when I need them. But other times, like through this whole cancer ordeal, I believe they're right where they should be...
Monday, August 22, 2011
Love. Hope. Optimism.
Ok this is a long one. Bear with me...
As you can imagine, I was terrified for my doctor's appointment earlier today. The decision on how to proceed with treating me, after news that the tumour was cancerous, was his to make.
I stressed all week about this appointment. I tried not to, knowing it was out of my control, but I did anyway. I got myself so scared of another surgery and iodine radiation therapy that I was absolutely dreading talking to him. Either he would tell me I didn't need surgery and then I would spend my life worrying the cancer was coming back, or he would tell me I did need surgery and I would throw up on the spot at the thought of going through this again.
What really happened is that we talked. About all scenarios. We weighed the benefits and the risks. I cried and he was understanding. We talked about the kids and how much the surgery and recovery affected all of us. I asked lots of questions and he answered them all. In the end, an informed decision was made - one I cannot help but to accept.
No surgery for now.
As you can imagine, I was terrified for my doctor's appointment earlier today. The decision on how to proceed with treating me, after news that the tumour was cancerous, was his to make.
I stressed all week about this appointment. I tried not to, knowing it was out of my control, but I did anyway. I got myself so scared of another surgery and iodine radiation therapy that I was absolutely dreading talking to him. Either he would tell me I didn't need surgery and then I would spend my life worrying the cancer was coming back, or he would tell me I did need surgery and I would throw up on the spot at the thought of going through this again.
What really happened is that we talked. About all scenarios. We weighed the benefits and the risks. I cried and he was understanding. We talked about the kids and how much the surgery and recovery affected all of us. I asked lots of questions and he answered them all. In the end, an informed decision was made - one I cannot help but to accept.
No surgery for now.
The Verdict
I know many of you are probably checking the blog regularly for an update, so I'll give you a short one.
The decision at present time is no more surgery, but to watch me very closely.
Although there is no easy answer, I am mostly relieved by this decision, given what the alternative could have been.
I am feeling every emotion under the sun, but overall exhaling deeply for the first time in a week. A bit too scattered to give you all of the details now so will do so tonight or tomorrow.
More to come....
The decision at present time is no more surgery, but to watch me very closely.
Although there is no easy answer, I am mostly relieved by this decision, given what the alternative could have been.
I am feeling every emotion under the sun, but overall exhaling deeply for the first time in a week. A bit too scattered to give you all of the details now so will do so tonight or tomorrow.
More to come....
Friday, August 19, 2011
Blueberry Fields Forever
We've been trying to keep things normal this week. Stay busy. Minimize bad thoughts. Enjoy the kids and the sun. We've baked and decorated cookies, had friends visit, gone to a water park, and Jordan and I even went on a date last night! Thank you to everyone who's made this week a little more bearable.
---
This past Sunday, we had an especially good day. I was feeling better from the surgery, and had still not heard "the news". We hit up the blueberry patch and enjoyed sweet treats and hot sun. Were we ever successful, getting even more than last year. The addition of a third picker who actually picked more than she ate was a big help! A nice family activity and 25 lbs of the world's most perfect fruit to enjoy through the fall and winter.
---
This past Sunday, we had an especially good day. I was feeling better from the surgery, and had still not heard "the news". We hit up the blueberry patch and enjoyed sweet treats and hot sun. Were we ever successful, getting even more than last year. The addition of a third picker who actually picked more than she ate was a big help! A nice family activity and 25 lbs of the world's most perfect fruit to enjoy through the fall and winter.
One of the few Nolan picked - he preferred the dirty, rotten ones on the ground.
Mama and Ashy resting. Rockin' a scarf in the summer is HOT let me tell you. But I only sunscreened the kids, not myself, so vanity aside it had to stay on!
25 pounds of goodness!
Packaged and ready for a winter of smoothies and baking.
Crashed in the car after a fun (and apparently exhausting) morning.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
How are you really doing?
After the news was out yesterday, I got a text asking "How are you really doing?".
My response: "Sh*#ty. But I have three kids".
That statement there pretty much sums it up.
I feel like crap. If I had things my way, I would have gone to bed with a box of kleenex yesterday and I'd still be there right now.
But that didn't happen, at least not for very long. I cried. And then I stopped. I drank some wine, I ate a ridiculous amount of candy (that my lovely husband ran out to get me in my time of need), I tidied up the house rather aggressively, and then life carried on. Because the look of panic in those 6 little eyes looking back at me was not worth the tears.
When something is wrong with their mama, things are very, very wrong for them. Those kids have been through so much, they don't need to go through anything else. The boys don't really understand, they are just confused. But Rio gets it. Rio has seen more grief and stress in the past 2 1/2 years than any child should deal with ever. As much as possible, I need to keep it together for them.
It's not strength, it's necessity. I actually feel like a wreck. I just have three kids that are more important than my pity party.
Thank God for them*. Seriously. I don't know what I'd do without them.
*You too, Jord.
My response: "Sh*#ty. But I have three kids".
That statement there pretty much sums it up.
I feel like crap. If I had things my way, I would have gone to bed with a box of kleenex yesterday and I'd still be there right now.
But that didn't happen, at least not for very long. I cried. And then I stopped. I drank some wine, I ate a ridiculous amount of candy (that my lovely husband ran out to get me in my time of need), I tidied up the house rather aggressively, and then life carried on. Because the look of panic in those 6 little eyes looking back at me was not worth the tears.
When something is wrong with their mama, things are very, very wrong for them. Those kids have been through so much, they don't need to go through anything else. The boys don't really understand, they are just confused. But Rio gets it. Rio has seen more grief and stress in the past 2 1/2 years than any child should deal with ever. As much as possible, I need to keep it together for them.
It's not strength, it's necessity. I actually feel like a wreck. I just have three kids that are more important than my pity party.
Thank God for them*. Seriously. I don't know what I'd do without them.
*You too, Jord.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The Results
Before I begin, let me apologize to those of you who should be hearing this directly from us, not reading it on the blog...
The thyroid lump was Cancer. Papillary carcinoma to be specific.
To start, here's some good news:
I am trying to process the good news along with the bad. I know that as far as cancer goes, this could be so much worse. All that said, it's still cancer. I still might need another surgery and recovery, along with all the physical and emotional pain that causes myself and the rest of the T5.
I will have more answers on Monday. I am trying not get ahead of myself, but also preparing for another surgery so I am not surprised/more upset when that is the news he gives.
And of course, because this is not considered "urgent" if there is another surgery it will be months away. After our trip to Mexico - the trip we were supposed to be taking to celebrate the fact that we had survived three years of hell. Not only half enjoying because I know I have another surgery lingering in the distance.
Rio knows that I might need another surgery, but she has no concept of what cancer is. She has seen me visibly upset so we had to tell her something but will try to give her as little information as possible. All three kids can tell something is wrong, so sooner rather than later I will have to put on a brave face and assure them that all is well in their little world.
The scar is looking good...I am physically almost recovered...the future was looking so bright. And now this. Remember how I thought we were done needing our friends to see us through the bad times? Clearly, we're not. Your positive vibes sent my way would be much appreciated. That said, you know we won't answer you right away.
Life is really, really hard sometimes, and this is one of those times. Is this news a death sentence? Very, VERY ulikely. But is it very emotionally and physically devastating to us? Yes, very much so.
Like everything else we've been through, I am reminding myself that this too, shall pass.
It has to. RIGHT?
The thyroid lump was Cancer. Papillary carcinoma to be specific.
To start, here's some good news:
- Thyroid cancer is one of the best cancers to have, and of the sub-types, papillary has the best prognosis.
- The lump was small - only 8mm. They got all of it. The smaller the lump the better the long term outcome.
- They took out three lymph nodes and one parathyroid gland, all normal and cancer free.
- The chain of events that led to finding and removing this lump is a miracle. I will get into that in a separate post, but will tell you that there was no medical reason this lump ever should have been found. I am immensely thankful for that.
- Even given the bad news (see below), the likelihood that it has not and will not metastasize is very good.
- The pathology shows that it is questionable whether the cancer spread into further tissue. That further tissue is all contained within my thyroid, but there is no definitive way of knowing whether it has spread to the side they did not remove.
- The decision whether to do further treatment is not that of the surgeon, but that of the endocrinologist. I don't see him till next week (Monday).
- If the endocrinologist so decides, I will have the other half of my thyroid taken out to be safe. The surgeon told me to prepare myself that this is a possibility. Same surgery, through the same incision, similar recovery, but a longer hospitalization to ensure all is ok (given the complete thyroid removal).
- Total thyroid removal means drugs to produce thyroid hormones (a possibility now too, with only half a thyroid - but a given if complete removal).
- If the endocrinologist so decides, I will have iodine radiation therapy and be hospitalized/physically removed from anyone for three days.
I am trying to process the good news along with the bad. I know that as far as cancer goes, this could be so much worse. All that said, it's still cancer. I still might need another surgery and recovery, along with all the physical and emotional pain that causes myself and the rest of the T5.
I will have more answers on Monday. I am trying not get ahead of myself, but also preparing for another surgery so I am not surprised/more upset when that is the news he gives.
And of course, because this is not considered "urgent" if there is another surgery it will be months away. After our trip to Mexico - the trip we were supposed to be taking to celebrate the fact that we had survived three years of hell. Not only half enjoying because I know I have another surgery lingering in the distance.
Rio knows that I might need another surgery, but she has no concept of what cancer is. She has seen me visibly upset so we had to tell her something but will try to give her as little information as possible. All three kids can tell something is wrong, so sooner rather than later I will have to put on a brave face and assure them that all is well in their little world.
The scar is looking good...I am physically almost recovered...the future was looking so bright. And now this. Remember how I thought we were done needing our friends to see us through the bad times? Clearly, we're not. Your positive vibes sent my way would be much appreciated. That said, you know we won't answer you right away.
Life is really, really hard sometimes, and this is one of those times. Is this news a death sentence? Very, VERY ulikely. But is it very emotionally and physically devastating to us? Yes, very much so.
Like everything else we've been through, I am reminding myself that this too, shall pass.
It has to. RIGHT?
Monday, August 15, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
We've All Got Them
Friends.
At least I hope so.
Some are lucky to have a lot; others just a few. But if you've got good ones, you know how lucky you are. I have said this a million times over, but Jordan and I and the kids are so loved and supported by some very special people that I honestly don't know where we'd be today without them.
This post is inspired by the fact that my girlfriend from university hopped on a ferry from the mainland with her baby this week (leaving another child and husband at home) to come take care of us for two days. Because we needed help and she had been literally begging to give it to us since the boys were born. She helped around the house, she lifted my spirits and she INSISTED she clean my bathroom and give me a foot rub. I only let her do one of those things. (I will let you determine which of those is the least gross and that is the one she did). Can I mention that we hadn't physically seen each other in 7 years, separated by first the Atlantic Ocean and now a narrow strait of the Pacific? But that doesn't matter. She's a dear old friend and that's what dear old friends do. She is a particularly good one.
I first truly learned the power of friendship when my mom was in her final weeks of life. When it became apparent that she was not going to come home from the hospital, her network of girlfriends made up a schedule of night time hospital stays. On a rotating basis, one of her friends would spend each night with her so that she was never alone but the family could go home and get some sleep. Unbelievable, yet I am now pretty confident that my friends would do (and in their own way already have done) something of equal significance for me.
Friends came out in spades for us when we had our loss. I was physically and emotionally cared for in a way that I could not process (and still can't to be honest). They appeared from everywhere, dealing with a kind of loss there were no words for, yet somehow they did it. If Hallmark cannot come up with a nice way of saying "I'm sorry you lost a baby in this weird and traumatic way that no one knows how to talk about. I'm wishing you sunshine and rainbows!" then you know it must be awkward. (OMG I just made a joke about our loss. I think this is a first. Almost 3 years later and I've made my first inappropriate joke. Booya!) Ok now you all hate me about making a joke about my deceased baby. For the record I think about her every day. But if you still think I'm a horrible mother, I forgive you if you stop reading here.
Uncomfortable.....
Anywaaaaayyyyy....
Then we had the boys. And then Asher's CP diagnosis. And now my surgery. And it kept being more of the same. People bending over backwards for us to offer support in any way they knew how. Food. Special packages in the mail. Child care. Hugs and shared tears. Words over the internet from people I haven't met in real life. Outstanding, really. I have not only appreciated it more than words can express, but it has also taught me valuable lessons in friendship. No matter how hard and awkward and horrible a situation is - you ALWAYS reach out. ALWAYS. Because saying or doing nothing - while obviously easier - is inexcusable.
Sadly, along with all of these wonderful people in our lives, we have had some real disappointments. When things get hard and sad they're nowhere to be found. And I've tried to not get bitter about it, but that's nearly impossible. I say "nearly" because it's just selfish to be bitter when I have the rest of you.
So to the 99.99% of you in our lives who have amazed us - thank you once again. We hope that it's now our turn for some good luck and we won't be needing your services, other than to of course share in all of the happy moments with us. Please know that if, God forbid, hard times ever fall on you, the T5 will be there for you. That's what good friends do.
At least I hope so.
Some are lucky to have a lot; others just a few. But if you've got good ones, you know how lucky you are. I have said this a million times over, but Jordan and I and the kids are so loved and supported by some very special people that I honestly don't know where we'd be today without them.
This post is inspired by the fact that my girlfriend from university hopped on a ferry from the mainland with her baby this week (leaving another child and husband at home) to come take care of us for two days. Because we needed help and she had been literally begging to give it to us since the boys were born. She helped around the house, she lifted my spirits and she INSISTED she clean my bathroom and give me a foot rub. I only let her do one of those things. (I will let you determine which of those is the least gross and that is the one she did). Can I mention that we hadn't physically seen each other in 7 years, separated by first the Atlantic Ocean and now a narrow strait of the Pacific? But that doesn't matter. She's a dear old friend and that's what dear old friends do. She is a particularly good one.
I first truly learned the power of friendship when my mom was in her final weeks of life. When it became apparent that she was not going to come home from the hospital, her network of girlfriends made up a schedule of night time hospital stays. On a rotating basis, one of her friends would spend each night with her so that she was never alone but the family could go home and get some sleep. Unbelievable, yet I am now pretty confident that my friends would do (and in their own way already have done) something of equal significance for me.
Friends came out in spades for us when we had our loss. I was physically and emotionally cared for in a way that I could not process (and still can't to be honest). They appeared from everywhere, dealing with a kind of loss there were no words for, yet somehow they did it. If Hallmark cannot come up with a nice way of saying "I'm sorry you lost a baby in this weird and traumatic way that no one knows how to talk about. I'm wishing you sunshine and rainbows!" then you know it must be awkward. (OMG I just made a joke about our loss. I think this is a first. Almost 3 years later and I've made my first inappropriate joke. Booya!) Ok now you all hate me about making a joke about my deceased baby. For the record I think about her every day. But if you still think I'm a horrible mother, I forgive you if you stop reading here.
Uncomfortable.....
Anywaaaaayyyyy....
Then we had the boys. And then Asher's CP diagnosis. And now my surgery. And it kept being more of the same. People bending over backwards for us to offer support in any way they knew how. Food. Special packages in the mail. Child care. Hugs and shared tears. Words over the internet from people I haven't met in real life. Outstanding, really. I have not only appreciated it more than words can express, but it has also taught me valuable lessons in friendship. No matter how hard and awkward and horrible a situation is - you ALWAYS reach out. ALWAYS. Because saying or doing nothing - while obviously easier - is inexcusable.
Sadly, along with all of these wonderful people in our lives, we have had some real disappointments. When things get hard and sad they're nowhere to be found. And I've tried to not get bitter about it, but that's nearly impossible. I say "nearly" because it's just selfish to be bitter when I have the rest of you.
So to the 99.99% of you in our lives who have amazed us - thank you once again. We hope that it's now our turn for some good luck and we won't be needing your services, other than to of course share in all of the happy moments with us. Please know that if, God forbid, hard times ever fall on you, the T5 will be there for you. That's what good friends do.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Day 9
I know I said I'd go back to the kids, but I had to do a photo compare. This is my scar today (day 9). If you haven't seen the photos of day 2 and 4, check them out. The healing is pretty amazing!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What's New
I realize that all of the multitude of supportive people in our lives have been happy to receive the news from my surgery and recovery here on the blog. Many of you have told me how good it makes you feel to know I am improving and sounding more like myself and that you're happy I've stayed on top of the updates. But as interested and as caring as you all are, I know what you're reeeeally thinking is "But what's up with the kids?". Because as fascinating and riveting as my life is right now (please tell me you know I'm being sarcastic) I know you're all actually desperate for this blog to return to its rightful subjects - the kidlets. So here's a little update for you:
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
It's Actually That Big of a Deal
I've had several people over the past couple of days say varying incantations of "I didn't know it was a big deal" - in regards to my surgery.
This post is to tell you - it's actually that big of a deal.
Sure, not for the surgeon, I'm sure he could have done it in his sleep (my particular surgeon has done this 1000+ times). But for me, it was. If you haven't noticed, my incision is surprisingly big. He was in there for 2 hours - cutting God knows what, but obviously something detailed. I have been in a lot of pain, and overall feeling much worse than I could have imagined. I'm not allowed to lift my kids. That alone has been heartbreaking, aside from the physical pain it would cause.
Sure this wasn't open heart surgery, but it wasn't a tonsillectomy either.
And compared to the life or death drama we faced for all those months with the boys, this does rate low.
But for not just me, our entire family, this has been hard. Jordan has been amazing. Our helpers have gone above and beyond (and of course all the offers of help we haven't taken have been much appreciated!). The kids are being nearly perfect angels. But this is starting to wear on all of us. People are getting tired and cranky and we all want our life back. Normal isn't a word I like to use anymore - but right now, I want things back to our normal. Thankfully I am spending more and more time out of bed so we're getting there.
And let's not forget the whole reason this surgery happened - because the lump might have been CANCER*. So ya, there's that.
Is this post completely self centered and asking you to feel sorry for me? Absolutely. But this whole ordeal has really SUCKED. So there you have it. A big deal.
*People keep asking when we will find out and I realize I haven't addressed that. I see the surgeon next week and if he doesn't have results I will find out the timeline then. Thank you for your concern :)
----
Edit: This post may appear to be pointing the finger at those who said they didn't realize it was a big deal when that's not really what I meant to portray. No one has meant it to be malicious or even insensitive - more ill informed about the procedure itself. Hence this post - INFORMATION! The truth of the matter is, if I've got a problem with anyone, it's the people that haven't said anything AT ALL....
This post is to tell you - it's actually that big of a deal.
Sure, not for the surgeon, I'm sure he could have done it in his sleep (my particular surgeon has done this 1000+ times). But for me, it was. If you haven't noticed, my incision is surprisingly big. He was in there for 2 hours - cutting God knows what, but obviously something detailed. I have been in a lot of pain, and overall feeling much worse than I could have imagined. I'm not allowed to lift my kids. That alone has been heartbreaking, aside from the physical pain it would cause.
Sure this wasn't open heart surgery, but it wasn't a tonsillectomy either.
And compared to the life or death drama we faced for all those months with the boys, this does rate low.
But for not just me, our entire family, this has been hard. Jordan has been amazing. Our helpers have gone above and beyond (and of course all the offers of help we haven't taken have been much appreciated!). The kids are being nearly perfect angels. But this is starting to wear on all of us. People are getting tired and cranky and we all want our life back. Normal isn't a word I like to use anymore - but right now, I want things back to our normal. Thankfully I am spending more and more time out of bed so we're getting there.
And let's not forget the whole reason this surgery happened - because the lump might have been CANCER*. So ya, there's that.
Is this post completely self centered and asking you to feel sorry for me? Absolutely. But this whole ordeal has really SUCKED. So there you have it. A big deal.
*People keep asking when we will find out and I realize I haven't addressed that. I see the surgeon next week and if he doesn't have results I will find out the timeline then. Thank you for your concern :)
----
Edit: This post may appear to be pointing the finger at those who said they didn't realize it was a big deal when that's not really what I meant to portray. No one has meant it to be malicious or even insensitive - more ill informed about the procedure itself. Hence this post - INFORMATION! The truth of the matter is, if I've got a problem with anyone, it's the people that haven't said anything AT ALL....
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Because Life Goes On
Just because I've been in bed, feeling like *beep* doesn't mean life hasn't gone on without me. So here's a unicorn chaser for the last post - my adorable kids doing their thing.
The Horror Revealed
Ever since I got a traumatic glimpse of my incision the other night, I've been looking at it. At least now I can look without crying - that's something. Doesn't mean it's easy to look at though, I feel like Frankenstein.
Jordan suggested I share the photos. Sorry if you have a weak stomach...
Jordan suggested I share the photos. Sorry if you have a weak stomach...
Day 2 - close up
Modeling my drain - delicious!
Day 4 - drain removed
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Day 4 - More Improvements
I knew today was an improvement when I woke up with an incredibly sore neck and very tired, but felt alive. I did not utter the words "someone just kill me now" like I have each morning I have woken up previous to today. A good sign, right?!
The pain is still bad, in fact not showing any signs of letting up. But the nausea is mostly gone and the cloudy head is pretty much clear. I get a false sense of hope however, when I get out of bed, thinking I am up for some activity, and then climb right back in ten minutes later - exhausted.
I did make a bit of progress with the boys. Each of them was willing to sit with me for just a moment, however things went sour quickly when Nolan pushed himself off of me using my neck. Not nice.
Auntie Chelsea is now gone, so it's just us for the weekend before more help arrives on Monday when Jordan is back at work. I think things will remain pretty quiet. Not the dance party I'd hoped for this weekend (ok really just a bbq with friends), but baby steps are getting me there.
Wow am I getting bored.
The pain is still bad, in fact not showing any signs of letting up. But the nausea is mostly gone and the cloudy head is pretty much clear. I get a false sense of hope however, when I get out of bed, thinking I am up for some activity, and then climb right back in ten minutes later - exhausted.
I did make a bit of progress with the boys. Each of them was willing to sit with me for just a moment, however things went sour quickly when Nolan pushed himself off of me using my neck. Not nice.
Auntie Chelsea is now gone, so it's just us for the weekend before more help arrives on Monday when Jordan is back at work. I think things will remain pretty quiet. Not the dance party I'd hoped for this weekend (ok really just a bbq with friends), but baby steps are getting me there.
Wow am I getting bored.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Day 3 - A Bit Better
Today is slightly better than yesterday. I cut the tramadol and have been managing with just tylenol and ibuprofen. I am in more pain than I'd like to be, but the absence of severe nausea is worth it. That said, the nausea is still there, so not feeling great. On top of that I have no energy and any time I get out of bed I can't stay up long, but I know rest is important so I'm staying in bed as much as possible. I figure the further I go post surgery, the better the nausea has to get, right?
On a positive, last night I was finally allowed to take a shower. That helped with feeling human! I did accidentally get a look at the incision though, and that caused some tears (like a good hour's worth). Pretty traumatic.
On an even more positive note, we just returned from having the drain removed. That is a really gross feeling I won't soon forget! But I already feel like I am carrying myself more normally - much less tight and awkward. Although it was pinned to me in two places, I realized how guarded I was, constantly worrying it would get tugged out.
Otherwise, the rest of the house is doing great. Jordan's sister Chelsea has been an absolute god-send. The kids have been out of the fun having sooo much fun every day and I think they are going to feel ripped off when they have boring old mama back! I am starting to really miss the boys. As I mentioned yesterday they are being very strange around me and it is only getting worse. I think it is probably very confusing for them that I am around but not interacting with them - it would almost be better or at least less confusing if they couldn't see me. That said, all three of them are being angels for Chelsea so at least I don't have to listen to meltdowns happening when there's nothing I can do about it. I am hoping that now without the drain I will be able to interact with them a bit more. It's going to be a long couple of weeks if not.
Just now trying to force in some lunch and then nap. Yesterday I literally spent the entire day napping, so the fact that I have been awake since 7am today (and even attempting lunch) is probably a good sign in itself. Here's hoping for bigger improvements tomorrow.
On a positive, last night I was finally allowed to take a shower. That helped with feeling human! I did accidentally get a look at the incision though, and that caused some tears (like a good hour's worth). Pretty traumatic.
On an even more positive note, we just returned from having the drain removed. That is a really gross feeling I won't soon forget! But I already feel like I am carrying myself more normally - much less tight and awkward. Although it was pinned to me in two places, I realized how guarded I was, constantly worrying it would get tugged out.
Otherwise, the rest of the house is doing great. Jordan's sister Chelsea has been an absolute god-send. The kids have been out of the fun having sooo much fun every day and I think they are going to feel ripped off when they have boring old mama back! I am starting to really miss the boys. As I mentioned yesterday they are being very strange around me and it is only getting worse. I think it is probably very confusing for them that I am around but not interacting with them - it would almost be better or at least less confusing if they couldn't see me. That said, all three of them are being angels for Chelsea so at least I don't have to listen to meltdowns happening when there's nothing I can do about it. I am hoping that now without the drain I will be able to interact with them a bit more. It's going to be a long couple of weeks if not.
Just now trying to force in some lunch and then nap. Yesterday I literally spent the entire day napping, so the fact that I have been awake since 7am today (and even attempting lunch) is probably a good sign in itself. Here's hoping for bigger improvements tomorrow.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Day 2 Sucks
Post op day 2 is not so great. I've stopped taking the pain meds because they have been making me so nauseous and dizzy that the sickness they are causing is not worth it and I would rather deal with the pain. So I'm hoping I can make it on just extra strength tylenol and ibuprofen. An hour into the first dose and so far so good. The nausea however, refuses to take a hike. I have spent the entire day in bed so far. I know this is what I "should" be doing to get well, but it wasn't really part of my plan.
In better news, I've heard I'll be able to get my drain out tomorrow or Saturday - just waiting on the doctor to call back with details. That will feel much more comfortable I'm sure. It'll be great to have it out for obvious reasons, but also because I have not been able to interact with the boys at all. I have been so scared of them grabbing at the tube (the first thing Asher did when he saw me) that I haven't gone very near to them. Of course I don't look like myself so they want nothing to do with me, and even look a bit scared when I come near them. Can't say I blame them! Asher literally turns away from me when he sees me; Nolan at least tentatively reaches out for me still. Rio on the other hand has been all over me. She is loving her little nurse role, and although she is keen to keep my neck covered, nothing makes her happier than to check on me and give me rubs and kisses and make sure I'm ok.
Here's hoping I'm at my worst today and once this nausea sorts itself I'll start feeling better.
In better news, I've heard I'll be able to get my drain out tomorrow or Saturday - just waiting on the doctor to call back with details. That will feel much more comfortable I'm sure. It'll be great to have it out for obvious reasons, but also because I have not been able to interact with the boys at all. I have been so scared of them grabbing at the tube (the first thing Asher did when he saw me) that I haven't gone very near to them. Of course I don't look like myself so they want nothing to do with me, and even look a bit scared when I come near them. Can't say I blame them! Asher literally turns away from me when he sees me; Nolan at least tentatively reaches out for me still. Rio on the other hand has been all over me. She is loving her little nurse role, and although she is keen to keep my neck covered, nothing makes her happier than to check on me and give me rubs and kisses and make sure I'm ok.
Here's hoping I'm at my worst today and once this nausea sorts itself I'll start feeling better.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Gory Details
It's Tracey, living and breathing. Phew! Glad that's over. It may seem crazy that I am updating the blog right now but the memories of yesterday's events are a bit hazy so I figure the longer I wait the hazier they will get. Plus I just woke up from a nap and am 3 hours into a 4 hour drug dose, so this is about as clear thinking as I'm going to get. On that note, forgive me if this is non-sensical, I am in quite a lot of pain, but more so high as a kite on pain meds! So here goes...
We got to the hospital at 1pm and they rushed me through admittance as the surgeon was running ahead of schedule. Not a lot of waiting around pre-surgery so that was good, and I held off the tears until I had to say goodbye to Jordan.
Of all the things I had been nervous about for this surgery, one thing I didn't consider was what it would feel like to be back in the OR after my most recent surgery being the boys' birth. That was the most terrifying event of my life and knowing we weren't having more kids, was pretty confident I wouldn't have to relive it. Boy was I wrong. The minute I laid on my back and looked up at the ceiling in the OR it all came flooding back. So add the nerves of the day plus the horrible memories of the boys' c-section and saying I was a mess was an understatement. The funny thing was, no one even paid attention to me bawling my face off on the table so I guess I'm not the first.
Next thing I knew I was awake, which was pretty strange to me, as in past surgeries the anaesthetist narrated the whole thing and therefore I knew when I was about to be put under. Not this time! Suddenly there I was in recovery, and was with it enough to look for a familiar face - our friend was working so I requested her to be my nurse. My stay in recovery was a good one - no medical drama and we got my pain under control quite quickly. The strangest thing was the hot flash I had - I woke up and was absolutely BOILING. Not just like "it's hot in here" but like what I imagine menopause is like. I had a BP cuff on plus some cuffs on my legs to prevent swelling, and was covered in blankets so I really quickly felt very confined and uncomfortable. But we got rid of all of the extras, got me some cool cloths and an ice pack and within a few minutes it was under control. I'm wondering if it was the shock to my thryroid, suddenly missing half of itself, as your thyroid helps control your temperature.
Having a friend as my nurse in recovery meant I got to see Jordan a bit sooner than others would see their visitor, so that was a pleasant surprise. After 2 hours there they took me back to surgical daycare where I was to wait 4 more hours - doctor's orders to ensure there was no excessive swelling or airway issues. While I patiently waited there they kept me comfortable and I got to eat little bits, although I was having a terrible time with nausea and dizziness (still am quite dizzy today but the nausea is more or less under control). We got some wound care instructions, got my prescription sorted, and at 10:30pm I was discharged.
The drive home was pretty horrible as my nausea kicked into high gear in the car. Unfortunately my surgery was at the hospital 30 minutes away, not the one right down the street, so it was a pretty painful ride. About 2 mins from home we had to pull over so I could throw up on the side of the road. Just what you want to do when you've just had your neck cut open! Made me laugh a bit though, as the last time I threw up out of a car was when I was 19, driving back from Nelson to Trail after a weeeeeee bit too much to drink. Ha! That's a story for another time! ;)
Anyway, we got me home and settled and I had a pretty uneventful night; however I didn't sleep very well and was suprised at how overall awful I feel, aside from just the pain in my neck. Dr. Jordan is keeping me confined to bed whether I want to or not. Thankfully Jordan's sister is here with the kids and they are all doing so well together, the kids are not missing a beat!
So aside from the pain, the dizziness and the nausea, the part I have yet to mention is the incision itself. Apparently it is stitched from the inside and glued shut but I wouldn't know as I refuse to look at it. The incision itself I think I could handle - but the added "bonus" is the lovely rubber drain hanging from it. It is about the thickness of a straw and runs about a foot long to a bulb reservoir that is pinned into my shirt. So-so-so gross. I was really not prepared for it, and certainly not prepared to have it so long - A WEEK! It is uncomfortable and disgusting and the main reason I don't want to look at myself. So whenever I am up and about I have a bandana on my neck, cowboy style. We decided I should cover it up for Rio's sake (Jordan said it would look SCARY to her) but now that it is covered I am glad it gives me the option to not see it either. Jordan can check on the incision when necessary and otherwise I won't look at it till I get the drain out. The surgeon did say that if it is bothering me on the weekend I can have it out then, and so I will definitely take him up on it. The drainage is quite minimal as well, so I know that after a few days it will be safe. As gross as it is, if it is helping the healing process and preventing swelling, I appreciate it.
So there you have it. I survived. Although I do feel worse than I was prepared to, I think I am doing pretty well, all things considered. Thanks to eveyone for the emails, facebook messages and texts, I really appreciate it. I am not up for phone calls yet (eating and talking hurt a fair bit) but keep the supportive notes coming!
We got to the hospital at 1pm and they rushed me through admittance as the surgeon was running ahead of schedule. Not a lot of waiting around pre-surgery so that was good, and I held off the tears until I had to say goodbye to Jordan.
Of all the things I had been nervous about for this surgery, one thing I didn't consider was what it would feel like to be back in the OR after my most recent surgery being the boys' birth. That was the most terrifying event of my life and knowing we weren't having more kids, was pretty confident I wouldn't have to relive it. Boy was I wrong. The minute I laid on my back and looked up at the ceiling in the OR it all came flooding back. So add the nerves of the day plus the horrible memories of the boys' c-section and saying I was a mess was an understatement. The funny thing was, no one even paid attention to me bawling my face off on the table so I guess I'm not the first.
Next thing I knew I was awake, which was pretty strange to me, as in past surgeries the anaesthetist narrated the whole thing and therefore I knew when I was about to be put under. Not this time! Suddenly there I was in recovery, and was with it enough to look for a familiar face - our friend was working so I requested her to be my nurse. My stay in recovery was a good one - no medical drama and we got my pain under control quite quickly. The strangest thing was the hot flash I had - I woke up and was absolutely BOILING. Not just like "it's hot in here" but like what I imagine menopause is like. I had a BP cuff on plus some cuffs on my legs to prevent swelling, and was covered in blankets so I really quickly felt very confined and uncomfortable. But we got rid of all of the extras, got me some cool cloths and an ice pack and within a few minutes it was under control. I'm wondering if it was the shock to my thryroid, suddenly missing half of itself, as your thyroid helps control your temperature.
Having a friend as my nurse in recovery meant I got to see Jordan a bit sooner than others would see their visitor, so that was a pleasant surprise. After 2 hours there they took me back to surgical daycare where I was to wait 4 more hours - doctor's orders to ensure there was no excessive swelling or airway issues. While I patiently waited there they kept me comfortable and I got to eat little bits, although I was having a terrible time with nausea and dizziness (still am quite dizzy today but the nausea is more or less under control). We got some wound care instructions, got my prescription sorted, and at 10:30pm I was discharged.
The drive home was pretty horrible as my nausea kicked into high gear in the car. Unfortunately my surgery was at the hospital 30 minutes away, not the one right down the street, so it was a pretty painful ride. About 2 mins from home we had to pull over so I could throw up on the side of the road. Just what you want to do when you've just had your neck cut open! Made me laugh a bit though, as the last time I threw up out of a car was when I was 19, driving back from Nelson to Trail after a weeeeeee bit too much to drink. Ha! That's a story for another time! ;)
Anyway, we got me home and settled and I had a pretty uneventful night; however I didn't sleep very well and was suprised at how overall awful I feel, aside from just the pain in my neck. Dr. Jordan is keeping me confined to bed whether I want to or not. Thankfully Jordan's sister is here with the kids and they are all doing so well together, the kids are not missing a beat!
So aside from the pain, the dizziness and the nausea, the part I have yet to mention is the incision itself. Apparently it is stitched from the inside and glued shut but I wouldn't know as I refuse to look at it. The incision itself I think I could handle - but the added "bonus" is the lovely rubber drain hanging from it. It is about the thickness of a straw and runs about a foot long to a bulb reservoir that is pinned into my shirt. So-so-so gross. I was really not prepared for it, and certainly not prepared to have it so long - A WEEK! It is uncomfortable and disgusting and the main reason I don't want to look at myself. So whenever I am up and about I have a bandana on my neck, cowboy style. We decided I should cover it up for Rio's sake (Jordan said it would look SCARY to her) but now that it is covered I am glad it gives me the option to not see it either. Jordan can check on the incision when necessary and otherwise I won't look at it till I get the drain out. The surgeon did say that if it is bothering me on the weekend I can have it out then, and so I will definitely take him up on it. The drainage is quite minimal as well, so I know that after a few days it will be safe. As gross as it is, if it is helping the healing process and preventing swelling, I appreciate it.
So there you have it. I survived. Although I do feel worse than I was prepared to, I think I am doing pretty well, all things considered. Thanks to eveyone for the emails, facebook messages and texts, I really appreciate it. I am not up for phone calls yet (eating and talking hurt a fair bit) but keep the supportive notes coming!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
All is well
From the desk of Tracey - everything went well with the surgery. Pain, nausea but ok. More details to follow.
The Day of Days
If you are a Band of Brothers lover, you might recognize that my title is in reference to it. The Day of Days was the episode where the paratroopers jumped out of their planes to battle at Normandy. Craziness! I had heard the term "paratrooper" before, but until watching this incredibly good, 10 year old miniseries, I never knew that a paratrooper was someone who jumped out of a plane with all their gear and weapons, directly into combat on foot. Wowsa. That WWII was something else.
Anyway, today is my "day of days". Bit dramatic to compare it to an event such as D-Day, I realize. But I'm not doing so well about this day.
At 1pm today I'll go to the hospital for my surgery. I'm guessing that means the surgery itself will be at 3ish.
I am beyond nervous. It is a 2 hour surgery - what is he doing in there for two hours?!
Everyone is telling me I'll be fine and there will be no complications. I should believe that. The surgeon says he has done this over 1000 times. But when is the last time we have done ANYTHING without complications?
The last three surgeries I have had have been the loss of a baby, the prevention of the loss of two more babies, and the birth of two babies who were far too young to be born (I've had two more - tubes in my ears and wisdom teeth extraction, but I don't really count those). Although all of those surgeries went "well" (considering the circumstances) me and surgery don't have a very good track record for happy times.
What if something goes wrong? The likelihood is small, but the list of possible complications is lengthy.
What if the scar heals horribly and I look like frankenstein?
What if all goes well but pathology shows it's cancer?
What if the surgery is ok but the recovery is horrible?
I need this to be over. Better yet, I need it to not be happening.
Please think of me today and send me your most positive thoughts. Your good vibes have seen the boys through some very dark times, so I'm counting on them for me this time.
I'm supposed to be home later in the evening but I'm packing a bag just in case. Just being prepared.
We'll keep you posted...
Anyway, today is my "day of days". Bit dramatic to compare it to an event such as D-Day, I realize. But I'm not doing so well about this day.
At 1pm today I'll go to the hospital for my surgery. I'm guessing that means the surgery itself will be at 3ish.
I am beyond nervous. It is a 2 hour surgery - what is he doing in there for two hours?!
Everyone is telling me I'll be fine and there will be no complications. I should believe that. The surgeon says he has done this over 1000 times. But when is the last time we have done ANYTHING without complications?
The last three surgeries I have had have been the loss of a baby, the prevention of the loss of two more babies, and the birth of two babies who were far too young to be born (I've had two more - tubes in my ears and wisdom teeth extraction, but I don't really count those). Although all of those surgeries went "well" (considering the circumstances) me and surgery don't have a very good track record for happy times.
What if something goes wrong? The likelihood is small, but the list of possible complications is lengthy.
What if the scar heals horribly and I look like frankenstein?
What if all goes well but pathology shows it's cancer?
What if the surgery is ok but the recovery is horrible?
I need this to be over. Better yet, I need it to not be happening.
Please think of me today and send me your most positive thoughts. Your good vibes have seen the boys through some very dark times, so I'm counting on them for me this time.
I'm supposed to be home later in the evening but I'm packing a bag just in case. Just being prepared.
We'll keep you posted...
Monday, August 1, 2011
WARNING: Cutest thing EVER
I can't stop looking at this picture. My heart is melting. Those eyes...
The best part of it that I was holding Nolan and Jord was holding Asher and Nolan reached out to be part of the snuggle.
Oh my boys. That is what love looks like.
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