There are some negative emotions that surround Asher's CP, I'm not going to lie. Yes, I love him to the ends of the earth and accept him fully for exactly who he is and what he is and isn't able to do. BUT, some days CP invokes some unpleasant things in me, such as:
Anger - why did this happen to my sweet, amazing kid?
Sadness - see above
Jealousy - why my kid, not yours?
Guilt - what could I have done differently to prevent the prematurity and all of its subsequent complications including CP? (Trust me if you've had a preemie you've thought it - even if you know the answer is NOTHING).
Fear - what does the future hold?
But one feeling that I feel blessed to omit from this list is blame. I don't feel like blaming anyone.
Sure, of course Jordan and I have wondered what could have been done differently by those taking care of Asher in the first few days/hours, or in my prenatal care when I was found to be at such high risk for prematurity. But wondering and blaming are two different things.
Because at the end of my wondering, I come to the same conclusion. Likely, nothing SHOULD have been done differently. Everyone did what they believed was best for both me and my very premature babies, when at times they only had split seconds to make a decision. Could another course of treatment been a possibility for Asher? I know the answer to that is a definite "yes"*. But could that course of treatment had a worse result? (d-e-a-t-h if I have to spell it out for you). That's a sure possibility too.
We had two 26 week old babies (one very sick before and at birth - causing the birth) at great risk of a brain hemorrhage. Unfortunately for Asher, that's what happened. Full stop.
So when I say I feel blessed that I don't place blame, I mean it. I don't feel a lot of "lightness" about anything that has happened to us. Blaming anyone, however, is one of the things that is not heavy on my heart.
*Very thorough discussions were had with the neonatologists and my obstetrician about why certain decisions were made every step of the way from the boys' very sudden birth right through their hospitalization. We have always felt very informed.