Holiday Low Down

Here's how the holidays went down this year. Over six days and four celebrations, the kids had the pleasure of seeing:

All of their grandparents;
Three of their great grandparents;
Six (including spouses) of their nine cousins;
Six (including spouses) of their seven aunts and uncles.

They got what they asked for from Santa, what their parents knew they needed and would love, plus much, much more from that list of people mentioned above.

They stayed up so late and barely napped and moved from house to house but handled it all like champs (read: very few meltdowns).

We barely saw Rio, huddled around her new art supplies making masterpieces, and the boys were so taken with their new train table that they have now started sleeping with their engines at night.

I am happy to say that our families know us well enough that although the kids were spoiled, they were given useful things like piles and piles of new books. Even a splurge like a mini rocking horse is actually a therapy tool for the boys and their core strength, although don't tell them that because it's just way too much fun.

It was crazy and busy and exhausting, but only because we have so much family and so many people who share their lives with us. That is truly a blessing and what Christmas is all about.

Jordan and I took miles of tracks and train cars handed down by the kids' cousin and decided to make the boys a train table. We spent hours trying to configure a track in a way that would entertain Nolan, but not be too complicated for Asher. Then the resident artist created the scene, and the last step was to glue the tracks down. Voila! 

Can you believe it's 2013 tomorrow? Tonight Jordan is working so the kids and I will be indulging in some dinner and ice cream in front of a movie. Crazy, crazy times for us over here! Then I'll be back here in the next day or two with some resolutions that I plan on promptly breaking.

Happy New Year, y'all!

Christmas Un-Wrap and Wrap-Up

I don't think I've ever gone this long without posting! That shows how truly hectic this past week has been.

House guests for five days. Four Christmases, but several more meals than that. So much food, drink, gift giving, gift getting, and visiting. We had fun, we were spoiled, and now we are beat.

I took all evidence of Christmas down and cleaned the house top to bottom today. It was great while it lasted, but now it's over and I want my house back!

I've got some better Christmas recap posts locked away somewhere in my brain...I think....so maybe when I'm less tired I'll actually tell you about it. In the mean time, how about I try to get some sleep?

A Christmas List - 2012

It's time for my annual Christmas list again, just squeaking in under the wire this year. (Check out previous years - 2009, 2010, 2011).

Seeing as how I won't be posting again before tomorrow - Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Seasons Greetings (whichever holiday you're celebrating)! I hope your days are full of lots of family, friends, love, and happiness.

---

Dear Santa:

I'm getting this letter in a bit late, but I'm hoping it's ok because I only want two things this year. I'm keeping it simple and expecting I will get exactly what I ask for. Ok?!

1. Let the kids continue to be awesome. I don't want to ask for them to accomplish things physically or emotionally or anything that puts any pressure on them. I just want them to continue to be the absolutely amazing little people that they are. All three of them, without any idea, are such an inspiration. Rio as the helpful, loving, mature older sister, and the boys and the strong, courageous little fighters. I couldn't possibly be more proud, and truthfully every day I wonder how on earth I made these perfect little children that are such better people than their parents are (don't worry, I'm speaking for Jordan but I know he feels the same). So just let their awesomeness continue please. Don't let anything snub out the incredibly bright light that the three of them shine on the world.

2. Keep us strong. Physically and emotionally, let us all keep going. Sometimes life is hard for the boys, for Rio, and for Jordan and I. Some of our challenges have not been easy to overcome. There are certainly days when Jordan and I don't think we're going to get through another day, and while the kids aren't old enough to verbalize those feelings, I know that sometimes things get awfully heavy for them too. All that said, so far we have managed to survive it all. So all I ask is that as we continue to grow, we continue to meet any obstacles with strength and courage. I'm done expecting for life to suddenly become "fair" and even out with nothing but easy times ahead, so I just hope that we can manage anything else that comes our way.

Like I said, that's it - two measly little requests this year. I'm tempted to ask as a tiny little footnote that you bring back a remaining hockey season, but you know what - I'm over it. Truthfully, I'm enjoying my peaceful winter evenings without the stress of the Canucks.

Thanks Santa, looking forward to your visit tonight. I'll leave you some delicious maple bacon sugar cookies - hopefully that'll sweeten the deal.

Love,
The Trousdells
xoxo

I Can't Accept Pain

Over the past year I feel like I've done so well accepting CP. Accepting that it is part of our family - that Asher and Nolan were always meant to have CP, and always meant to be my sons.

But accepting, at least in the limited sense that I have (I think there is a whole lot more acceptance to strive for), doesn't mean I don't still get sad about it. Sad, and angry.

Some part of CP will never be accepted and will always make me angry. Pain for instance. Pain caused by CP has no place in our lives. Emotional pain, ok, that one is probably here to stay (for me at least). But physical pain? Hell no, that is unacceptable.

Earlier tonight, Asher woke up crying and when I went in to comfort him, he wasn't himself. I could just tell he was off. I looked him over carefully and while he was responsive, the tiniest part of me was paranoid he was having a seizure*. He wasn't, but I felt unsettled. I got him calmed down and left him, hoping he just had a bad dream.

A few minutes later he was crying again, but this time he meant it. It wasn't his standard "I don't want to go to sleep" cry, it was a devastating "something is wrong with me" cry.

I calmed him down and asked him if anything hurt. He said yes. I asked him where and he didn't answer. I then told him to show me, and he started patting his thigh. That made no sense to me so I started going through body parts one at a time, starting with his ears and his throat (assuming he was getting sicker again). No, no, no, no, to all of the body parts I asked, until I got to his legs. Yes, and yes. Apparently I should have given him more credit when he was trying to show me by patting himself.

To be sure, I went back up north. Ears? No. Tummy? No. Legs? Yes. A big sad nod.

Oh my goodness, he was really in pain. And judging by his cry - a lot of pain.

My heart shattered into a million pieces. Spasticity is not something Asher ever deals with. His muscles have low tone, not high. He isn't ever tight "just because" - it's only when he's over exerting himself and even then, he is completely loose again when he's finished whatever task he's been attempting.

So I was at a bit of a loss with what to do. I rubbed his legs, put some heat on them, and gave him some Tylenol. Thankfully he calmed down quite quickly once I started massaging him, and eventually I left him sleeping more or less soundly, but could tell he's nowhere near relaxed.

I fear it may be a long night, especially because I don't know what's causing this. Is he getting sicker again? (he had bad muscle spasms when he was sick last time, but they didn't seem to hurt him). Is he having growth spurts and this is a somewhat "normal" side effect? Or is this just a new part of CP that is going to continue to plague him?

Pffft. It's Christmas. I don't really want to be thinking about my baby in pain. So I won't, and hope we get some sleep tonight.

---
*No he's never had a seizure. I'm just paranoid.

Reflections on The Last Year

Last year I did this post in early January, but this year I'll do it a bit sooner, allowing me to reflect on the last year for Ellen's writing prompt.

As per last year, the rule is - post the first sentence from the first blog post of each month of the previous year. I'll include the first sentence in italics, with my comments below.

January
I don't usually make resolutions because I generally don't keep them, but this year I plan on making some "lifestyle changes" that I hope I can follow. I'm going to include the actual resolutions from the post and then I can comment on whether I did them or not...

• Exercise more (exercise at all in fact). Not really. Bit of yoga and lots of walking for the CP challenge, but other than the exercise involved in hauling Asher around, no, I haven't done enough structured exercise. 
• Remove myself from negative people. Yes! I'm happy to say that I have done this! I surround myself with people that bring positivity to my life, and am learning to forget about anyone who does not.
• Spend more time playing with the kids, and less time worrying about them. For the most part. I still worry, but not as much as in the past.
• Go on more dates with my husband (babysitting offers anyone?) - Care of our respite worker -- YES!
• Don't let the Canucks stress me out. Well maybe if there were a season this year they'd be stressing me out, but since there's not, I'm good. As for last year, I handled the first round loss pretty gracefully. All in all, I'd say I achieved this one.
• Accept my life circumstances - the good and the bad.  Work in progress. Definitely improvements made.

February
When downsizing the boys' baby stuff I am generally thrilled to toss things into the donation bag. This post was specific to their comfort cloths - the little blankets they had in their isolettes in the NICU. But yes, I have continued downsizing and donating. Feels so good to get rid of stuff! By the way, I haven't done anything with the comfort cloths yet.

March
March is Cerebral Palsy awareness month so I have taken on a bit of a challenge. Oooh did I ever! I blogged about CP awareness every day for a month. Some days I wondered what I had gotten myself into, but in the end I was so proud to have done it.

April
Taken for granted by most families, synonymous with a healthy birth, is the day you bring your baby(s) home from the hospital. That post was written on the anniversary of the boys' homecoming (April 2). I still can't believe it's been almost three years since we've had them home. Homecoming day will always be a special day for us.

May
Well I was tempted to call this the worst day ever, but sadly after all of our really, really bad days we've had worse than this. This post was about the day of Asher's failed MRI - more specifically when he stopped breathing from the sedation. That was a horribly scary day, but since Nolan's similar reaction to the same drug (Propofol) after surgery, it helped me understand Asher's "episode". Both very stressful days at the time, but no one was any worse for wear (well except for me).

June
Last time I wrote a post like this it was easier. I'm totally cheating here. The first few posts of the month were just photo posts so didn't count anyway. So instead of moving on to the first "real" post, I skipped ahead to a pretty monumental one instead. Because if I didn't include this one in a recap of 2012, it wouldn't be a very accurate reflection on the year. This is the post where I tell everyone Nolan has CP. A pretty big deal. In hindsight however, it really hasn't been a big deal at all. Yes, accepting both of your twins has CP has been hard in some respects, but other than that, it has been status quo. Therapy and Nolan being Nolan, CP or not.

July
When Rio was born I became a mom - just mom, plain and simple. This one's about all the labels I have as a mom. It's true - having special needs kids gives you some new, atypical, not necessarily sought after labels that I would trade in if it meant life were easier for the boys. But at the same time, I believe I was meant to be their mom so that helps me embrace all of the "special" parts of the job.

August
This leg of the trip took us from Montana back up into Alberta Canada. Fun! This one is about our road trip! Traveling through BC, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, and Alberta was definitely a huge highlight of this past year. We made amazing family memories and spent some much needed time together without the worries of CP and therapy, plus all the regular, day-to-day 'life' stuff that bogs you down.

September
I am so excited to announce that in honour of World CP Day on September 4th, I am participating in a 4 week challenge to raise funds and awareness for CP. What a fantastic month that was. I signed up on a bit of a whim (dragging my teammates who didn't have much of a chance to say 'no' with me) not realizing how much I would enjoy it. Yes we met our step challenge, and far exceeded our fundraising goal, but more importantly, I spent the month as a proud CP mom who showed off my boys and all their awesomeness every chance I got!

October
Asher's language has blown up recently. Has it ever! I can't believe now that there was ever a time we were really worried about his speech. This morning he said a 13 word sentence - totally grammatically correct (I wish I could remember it, but I counted the words at the time!). I love the way both of the boys now talk - to each other and to us. They are real little men.

November
Last night we had a rough night of sleep. This goes to show how badly we have been sleeping in recent months (Well not so recent actually. 14 months more like it). The first post of the month should have been for Asher and Nolan's birthday (Nov 1) - and it was - but apparently the sleep situation was so bad I started the post by talking about that. Pretty accurate really.

December
In the midst of Nolan's recovery, Asher's sleeplessness, and mama's exhaustion, we tried something new this week - why not throw something else on our plates, right?! This was referring to trying out Strong Start - a local preschool type program. I still have high hopes for it, but we've only managed to make it once! Between me being sick, and then the boys, and then our volunteer's daughter, and now the boys again, we've missed every opportunity. But we plan to start up again in January - barring any more illnesses.


All in all a good year! We had our tough times, but we accept that challenges are part of life, and the good times are prevalent in this family too. Here's to an even better 2013.

Life in 2D

I didn't want to steal Nolan's thunder. I thought I'd let him recuperate from his surgery before Asher comes centre stage again.

But now Nolan is back to himself so here's Asher's big announcement:

He's having another surgery!

Yay!!

And by "yay" I actually mean "sonofa *beep* you *beep* are you *beep*ing kidding me"?

Yes, I can swear like a trucker but I'm a good girl and leave that off of the blog. Anyway, I'll start with the good news:

The surgery is not related in any way, shape, or form, to his "nether regions". That does deserve a big YAY considering all three of the boys' former surgeries do (as does another upcoming one for Asher that you'll hear more about too, and he'll likely have that one first).

The bad news is, it's still surgery. And it's on his eye.

Hrmph. This sucks, no?

Here's the thing. Asher's eyes are great. Well I should say each eye independently is great. It's together that's the problem.

Those of you who know Asher well have likely noticed his right eye turn out on occasion (strabismus - more specifically exotropia). He controls it well and brings it back to alignment very quickly. We have been watching this for ages, and until now, our opthalmologist has not been concerned. We always assumed that if we ever did operate, it would solely be for cosmetic purposes.

But when Asher saw the good doctor last month we found out that the problem is now more than cosmetic. Unbeknownst to us, Asher's eyes are always out of alignment very, very slightly. This is nothing we ever noticed, and took a specialist's trained eyes to do so. Of course we noticed when his eye went further out, but we didn't realize that when he brought it back to center, it really wasn't center after all.

I'll give you a looky loo.

This is Asher, exhausted in the carseat, about to fall asleep (tiredness is what causes to to turn out most often). See that right eye?

This is Asher with his eyes centred. Or so we thought - apparently they're not. Can you blame us for missing this?? 

So, here's the crappy part. Because Asher's eyes are out of alignment all the time, they have learned to see independently. This means that Asher can no longer use both eyes at the same time. His right eye is great and his left eye is great, but unfortunately having two great eyes does not mean they are great together. Essentially this means that Asher is navigating the world with zero depth perception. In a child that struggles with his motor skills, this surely can't be helping.

If we do the surgery now (and by 'now' I mean awesome BC medical entails a 6 month wait), the doctor is confident he will not only bring the eyes together cosmetically, but he will also be able to restore vision together, in both eyes, at the same time. (If you want to read more about the condition, and treatment, check it out here.) He is confident that when he is done, Asher will have excellent vision, and there will be no need for patching or glasses.

Of course surgery is scary, especially with the boys' track record. We could delay and wait till Asher is older and asks to do it for cosmetic reasons, but by that point the vision will not be reparable and Asher will live his entire life in 2D. Obviously our fears will be put aside and we've made the right decision to do surgery now.

Not that it makes it any better, but at least we can attribute this to the CP. Don't get me wrong, not that we want him to have complications from his CP, but at least strabismus is common in CP, and therefore we have a reason for this happening. His other surgeries? Just really, really bad luck.

AS IF he needs to go through anything else?!  But at least he'll be smiling?!!

Long Weekend

All three kids are sick right now. Like coughing, sniffling, heaps of misery kind of sick. ALL THREE OF THEM!

This is the first time it's happened. Yes, they always pass germs to each other, but usually they get things one at a time, overlapping by a few days of course, but never in the throes of it at the same time. This time we got hit with a whammy. 

It has been a loooong weekend, filled with so much snot and whining I don't know what to do with myself. I am scared to go to bed tonight. Why? Because this is what last night looked like:

7:30 - Nolan in bed, no medication

8:00 - Rio in bed, homeopathic cough medicine

8:30 - Asher in our bed, homeopathic cough medicine and ibuprofen

10:30 - Asher moved to his bed

11:00 - Tracey to bed

12:30 - Jordan to bed

1:00 - Tracey still awake (having trouble these days - thinking I'm hyperthyroid but that's a whole other story)

2:15 - Nolan bawling and coughing up a lung. Tylenol and homeopathic cough medicine given. 

2:16 - Asher bawling and coughing up a lung. Tylenol and homeopathic cough medicine given. 

2:18 - Tracey consoling both boys

2:25 - Tracey sneaks back into bed, knowing it's not going to last

2:30 - Both boys crying again, Jordan consoling

2:31 - Nolan in bed with Tracey, Jordan on the couch, Asher quickly back to sleep in his own bed

2:40 - Jordan moves to spare bed downstairs at Tracey's insistence (he's way too big for the couch)

2:45 - Jordan moves back to the couch because he thinks he won't hear Asher downstairs

3:00 - Nolan asleep, Tracey still awake, God knows what Jordan is doing crammed on the couch

4:15 - Rio awake, crying to mommy about sore ears. Tylenol given. 

5:00 - Rio awake again, crying to mommy about not wanting to sleep in her bed. Given that sleeping with me is not an option she wants the couch

5:01 - Rio on the couch, Jordan in Rio's bed

5:05 - Rio is not happy on the couch. Back to her bed, Jordan back to the couch. 

5:15 - Maybe all of us are asleep at the same time??

6:45 - Asher up

7:00 - Rio up

8:00 - Nolan up

Entire rest of the day - someone crying, coughing, or snotting at all times

See why I'm scared to go to bed tonight? And did you notice that poor Jordan slept in FOUR beds last night?! Send us health please. PLEASE. The thought of having the boys in the ER again this week is not pleasing me....not to mention how much this sucks in general! 

There Are No Words

Yesterday afternoon before I went to pick Rio up, I tried to write a post but I couldn't come up with the words. I wanted to address the shootings in Connecticut, but all I could think was "I get to pick my baby up from school today" and it made me physically ill for those parents that did not.

Because millions of parents dropped their kids off at school, kissed them goodbye, and thought they would be safe until they were picked up later. For the vast majority of us, that was true. But for those families in Connecticut, everything they believed and all that made sense in the world changed yesterday.

Although this happened across the continent, I thought about little else yesterday, spending most of the day glued to the computer watching the updates unfold. A senseless tragedy involving that number of people is heartbreaking, but a tragedy involving that many children is unthinkable.

I pray for the families touched by this. I appreciate my family every day, but am hugging and kissing them just a little more right now.

***

And as a footnote, I just need to say I HATE guns. As a Canadian I have little understanding of them so I know it is maybe not as black and white as "take the guns away and the tragedies will stop". But MY GOD, couldn't it help?? 

A Christmas Memory

My hands resting on a tiny body in a plastic box: not exactly the kind of embrace I had planned to give my babies on their first Christmas morning. In fact, these babies shouldn't even have been celebrating their first Christmas for another year - they still should have been gestating for several more weeks and born some time well into the New Year. But that was our reality, whether we liked or planned for it, on December 25, 2009. Jordan, Rio and I opened presents at home, had a nice breakfast, got dressed up, and then head to the NICU where Asher and Nolan had spent the past 55 days since their very early birth.

There were stockings at the end of their isolettes. Santa had visited the NICU! I threatened that he might  not. The thoughtful staff had given them sweet little presents, in addition to the presents we brought - fleece blankets,  baby books, and their stockings from home. It was a nice touch at a trying time.

We smiled and whispered "Merry Christmas" to our tiny little babies. We didn't hold them - they were too fragile - but we managed to take pictures of them with their stockings. Big sister got up on tip toes, reaching a hand into their isolettes to give her brothers the closest thing to a hug that she was allowed.

It was a short visit. We would return later in the day, before a big family dinner, for another quick hello. We wanted to be there but there was nothing we could do for them, so best to keep the day as normal as possible for Rio . Leaving without them that night was one of the hardest, but we would still have to do it almost a hundred more times before they were home with us for good.

I would be lying if I said memories of that Christmas are happy ones, but they are memories just the same. That day, as all other days during their long hospitalization, we navigated through unknown waters with as much grace and strength as we could muster. It wasn't the merriest of times, but, even in a limited capacity, we were together at Christmas. And more importantly than that, we were all very, very loved.

---
Thanks Ellen, for this week's writing prompt and linkup.

Pride At The Pool

As you may remember, signing the boys up for swimming lessons was a difficult decision for me. I was nervous, but in the end it was worth it. Both boys absolutely loved it, and although Asher could only do modified versions of what the teacher was asking, it was shocking to me how much he improved and relaxed by the end. The kid is an all star back floater, and as of the last class he was kicking his legs on command. And face under water? No problem! In fact he head butted me multiple times trying to put his face in without asking me first! And Nolan? Pffft. The next Michael Phelps.

For the last couple of classes, it has been one of us alone with Asher (because of Nolan's surgery). This last week it was Asher and me, and for the first time I got to concentrate just on him, without dividing my time between the two of them. At one point, as in each class, we moved to the wall to do jumps. Both boys love jumping, but obviously Asher needs more help. It is a real achievement if we can get him to stand (with support) flat footed on the edge, because usually he is so excited to get back in the pool, his arms and legs are every where and completely out of control.

The ledge they stand on is directly next to the hot tub, which is always full of people. Last night, when Asher was preparing to jump, I could sense eyes were on him. His positioning and control weren't pretty, let me tell you. But I realized that although I knew people were probably looking at him, I didn't feel awkward, I felt proud. All I could think was "This kid kicks a$$. This family kicks a$$. Go ahead and look at how amazing he is!"

I know it won't always be that easy. I know there will be times that staring people will make me uncomfortable and sad. But knowing that this once I was able to feel pride above all else made me feel so hopeful. My issues have never been with accepting Asher and Nolan for who they are - that part is a no brainer. But I do struggle with accepting how CP affects their lives, and in turn mine. This experience made me realize that maybe I'm actually starting to (baby steps) accept all of this. Can I tell you how GOOD that feels?!

On a sort of related, equally proud note: Rio also excelled in swimming this term. She has always loved the pool, but been a very, very tentative swimmer. Most lesson sets it would be the same - Rio would master all the skills, but not do them for long enough. Not hold her face under water long enough, not reach down to the bottom of the pool far enough, that kind of thing. I was getting really annoyed (with the system as much as Rio) for having to repeat lessons over and over again because she'd only hold her face under for a count of 2, not 3. Anyway, mid way through this set of lessons, we had a parent teacher chat. Her teacher said her form was perfect but she wasn't swimming all the way across the pool, as required. "Can she?" I asked, knowing the answer. "Absolutely, she's just scared", said her teacher, as predicted.

I had a little chat with Rio and really pumped her up, telling her what an amazing swimmer her teacher thought she was. I then explained that I knew she wasn't swimming long enough and her face got red. "Rio, you need to TRUST your teacher. If your teacher says you can go further, you can go further. She won't let you sink". I then let the subject go because I knew I was making Rio uneasy.

Every week I would ask Rio about lessons and she would talk a mile a minute about it. I knew it was positive that she was so happy, but honestly I was prepared for defeat at the end. So wasn't I pleasantly surprised when we received Rio's report card and she passed?! Not only passed, but with flying colours. Her teacher had nothing but rave reviews about Rio's progress and how strong a swimmer she is.

Of course I took the opportunity to smother her in positive reinforcement, especially focussing on the fact that she believed in herself that she could swim further, and therefore she did. I feel like this is a real turning point for her. My once shy, nervous little girl who started to come out of her shell in kindergarten is now full of confidence. It is such an amazing transformation to witness.

While Rio is taking the January/February lesson set off to leave ample time for skiing, I'm not sure what we'll do with the boys going forward (they are now at the age where parents can't go in the pool for lessons, but they both need an extra set of hands). Taking them to public swimming is definitely a must in the mean time.

I think it is safe to say that overall, this set of swimming lessons for all three kids has been really eye opening for me. And to think how much I stressed over it?!!

Painted Nails

The other day I was painting my nails in the car, alone with my thoughts for a second. Wait - you're wondering why I was painting my nails in the car? Because I wanted red nail polish for our Christmas party, and when I dug out my 9 year old red nail polish from the cupboard, it was a clumpy mess - imagine that. So since I needed to run out to the store to buy some anyway, I got the brilliant idea to sit and paint my nails in the car, to avoid being pestered by 30 little fingers that would want to be painted too.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the moment of painting.

As I looked down at my glimmering red nails, I thought to myself: "Aww that's sad, Asher will never be able to paint his own nails".

And then I thought to myself: "Oh well, that's what the spa is for".

Then I thought: "Oh I'm a bit jealous actually, that would be nice to have to go to the spa any time you want your nails painted".

And then I finally thought: "Oh wait -- he's a boy". Truly, it took me that long through this conversation I was having with myself to realize the inability to paint his own nails might not pose a real problem for Asher.

Clearly I accept my son for exactly who he is, in this case an imaginary man who goes to the spa to get his nails done!

He Did the Right Thing

If you're my friend on facebook or follow me on twitter (What, you don't follow me on twitter? Get on it!) you've already seen this. But I had to post it here too. Yes, I want those of you who haven't seen this to be able to experience it, but more importantly, I never ever want to lose this story and this video. Ever. Because I plan to watch it every time I am feeling down about the ways of the world.

Check it out here. Don't skip over that link and keep reading what I have to say, read/watch it and then come back. Ok - Go! Here!

So you're back now and you read it, and watched it, right? Please tell me you can no longer read what I  have written because your eyes are so full of tears? If you're not crying, is your heart made out of coal? Seriously, is it? Because I don't think it is humanly possible to not cry over this video.

Here's the thing. We've all seen or heard stories where kids do something nice for special needs kids. Letting someone score the winning basket or touchdown, or cheering on a last place finish in a race because, who cares about last place when a kid with CP ran a friggin' race! All of those stories are awesome, no doubt.

But to me, this one takes the cake. If you watched that video to the end - you BETTER have watched it to the end - you will see not only the bravery of Jared, the boy with CP, but the unbelievable strength of character of his opponent Justin. When I read the article at first, I assumed Justin was warned. Maybe he got a pep talk from his coach, something along the lines of "Listen up, son. Your opponent has cerebral palsy. This is a really big deal for him to wrestle, and if you do what you know is right, you will make his dream come true". Wink wink, nudge nudge.

But then I saw the video and saw that until he stepped on the mat, Justin had no idea. He shook Jared's hand and saw that he had CP, and in a split second made the decision to do the right thing. Not every kid would have done that.

It is safe to say my faith in humanity has been restored. When I worry about the kind of world my boys are up against, I will watch this video and remind myself the big scary world of discrimination is also full of people like Justin.


PS - I cried off and on for HOURS after watching that video. Crying again now that I am posting this. It's that good.

When I See You Smile

Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever make it through

Through this world without having you 

I just wouldn't have a clue 

Cause sometimes it seems like this world's closing in on me

And there's no way of breaking free 

And then I see you reach for me 

Sometimes I wanna give up, wanna give in

I wanna quit the fight 

And then I see you baby 

And everything's alright, everything's alright 

When I see you smile, 

I can face the world 

You know I can do anything 

When I see you smile, 

I see a ray of light

I see it shining right through the rain 

When I see you smile 

Baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do 

What a touch of your hand can do 

It's like nothing that I ever knew 

And when the rain is falling, I don't feel it

Cause you're here with me now 

And one look at you baby 

Is all I'll ever need, all I'll ever need

Please tell me that upon seeing the words "When I see you smile" I am not the only one who started singing the above lyrics to the late 80s ballad by Bad English. Come on, please, really, I can't be the only one? I saw this week's writing prompt and literally started busting out a tune. I did google before posting the lyrics here, but I should be embarrassed to report on the accuracy with which I sang a song from 1989. I could pretty much sing the whole thing.

I can't even add anything profound to the lyrics of this cheesy song, because put in the context of me and Asher, it's all so incredibly true. I'm sure the singer is referring to some teased/feathered/windblown model in a white mini skirt and heels, but it really could be this mama singing it to her boy.

Asher is the happiest kid. He rarely gets angry and frustrated, although he has every right to get a thousand times more angry and frustrated than the rest of us. I cannot begin to imagine what it feels like to be such a smart, funny, creative soul stuck in a body that doesn't cooperate. But none of that seems to matter to him. 

When I see Asher smile, it reminds me of all that is good and right in this world. When I am feeling down, Asher reminds me that his life is incredibly rich, and therefore I should remember that mine is too. Luckily for us, he smiles at least a hundred times a day, so our reminders to be happy are prevalent.

Asher's smile is truly irresistible - a "ray of light" accurately describes it. Pretty impossible to not believe you can do anything when you see that smile.

Strong Start

In the midst of Nolan's recovery, Asher's sleeplessness, and mama's exhaustion, we tried something new this week - why not throw something else on our plates, right?! On Monday, for the first time ever, I took the boys to Strong Start - a preschool type drop in class that parents attend with their children. I have always felt overwhelmed going, both because I have two kids and there is only one of me, but also more so because those two kids have CP. Other than swimming lessons, I have yet to take the boys to a group where their differences are so notable and they are surrounded by typically developing kids who can do all the things I wish the boys could do with ease.

Lucky, lucky us, a few weeks ago a mom in our neighborhood contacted the foundation that provides our therapy, asking if there was a family that they knew could benefit from her helping hands one morning a week. Guess who they suggested she help out with Strong Start?!

Turns out we know each other from around the school, but she had no idea we were the family she had signed up to help. She is lovely and we are becoming fast friends. I was very honest with her from the get go about how hard this is for me to go to things like play groups and she has been incredibly empathetic and supportive. We've gotten together a few times and really hit it off, and of course she fell in love with the boys!

Part of me was looking for an excuse - any excuse - to not go this week (the past two weeks when I had worked up my nerve I had legitimate reasons to cancel - first my sickness, then Asher's). But I knew it was good for the boys and they would love it so it was time to put my fears aside and go for it. She assured me that if it was too much we could leave at any time, but I really wanted to stick it out. I feared that if I gave up on day one I would never have the strength to return.

As expected, the boys did great and loved it. I tried to steer Asher towards fun toys that would encourage fine motor skills, and I let Nolan loose to have a hay day with trucks, cars and trains. After a period of free play we took all of the kids to the gym, and while it was challenging to find things that Asher could do, we made it work. Luckily, because my new friend knows Strong Start better than me (I haven't been since Rio was three) she reminded me that at the very end of gym time they line up and race end to end of the gym. That would have been a bit painful to see so we snuck out in time to miss it.

The class continued after gym but we were all spent, so we called it a day and ended on a high note. It was so great to have someone supportive at my side, encouraging me and being an extra set of hands for the boys. I think it is hilarious I had previously planned do it on my own, because after attending with another adult I see now there is no way I could have done it. Two able bodied three year olds would have been hard enough for one mom! One who needs hand holding to walk (and carrying when he is tired), and the other who needs to be held 24/7 would have proved impossible and I would have left in tears and frustration.

We have set up a recurring date to attend every Monday and it is scheduled in the calendar just like the rest of the boys' appointments so I can't cancel! Although they are lucky to have each other as built in play mates, I know how good it is to socialize them with other kids and in other surroundings. I am looking forward to doing this not only for the boys, but to challenge myself and get out of my comfort zone. Taking them places is hard, just getting harder, so this is the perfect way to start easing in. I just hope that it continues to go as well as our first attempt.