Being Real

I struggled with Ellen's writing prompt this week. I came up with a million ways to talk about "being real", but no eloquent words to say what I wanted to. So after many failed writing attempts I decided to leave it. For days I thought I wouldn't actually come up with anything at all on the matter.

And then, where I didn't expect it, I found inspiration. I read a friend's blog post recounting a recent miscarriage that a number of people, including me, never knew happened. It was heart wrenching and it brought me back to a place I try not to visit very often.

Most days I would say I have moved on from our loss. Four years have passed, and while I probably think of her every day, the tears come far less often. I imagine what she'd look like and what her personality would be like, and sometimes I wonder how different my life might be with two little girls. But I no longer live with acute grief; it is now more like a chronic ache.

Sometimes, for brief moments, I even forget. Partly because my heart is resilient, but partly because it has been such a painful thing to think about I've tried to make it go away.

But the bottom line is, that pregnancy existed. For almost five months we were excited and happy. That baby was loved. She may not be here with us, but she was, and still is, very real.

These are the first and only photos I have ever shared of that pregnancy. Thanks S for inspiring me to write this and post these pictures. Sending you lots of love.