It's time for Botox.
You're probably surprised, I know. But hear me out. Today is my 39th birthday. Thirty-nine. I'm so beyond "mid thirties" it's not even funny. Is it even truthful to say "late thirties" or do I have to say "almost 40"? Regardless of the semantics, I'm not handling the transition well - so I've decided to do something about it.
Age gracefully? Not happening. I'm fighting it every step of the way. I'm already hiding my greys, why stop there? If you consider hair dye camouflage for grey hair, just look at botox as camouflage for my wrinkles.
"What wrinkles?" you ask. (Or that's what you better be asking). I know, I know, I actually don't have that many. I mean don't get me wrong, I think I look 39 years old but I don't think it's necessarily the fault of the wrinkles. All the more reason to start on botox now though. If I have very few wrinkles now, it'll be less of a drastic change, right? Like if I do it now, one day I'll suddenly be 49 and people will think to themselves "Holy s%#t that woman looks good for 49! She could pass for 39!". Right now I'd have a hard time passing for 29, so I'm hoping to hold onto 39 for the next decade.
And why, if I am doing this so that the changes are subtle and no one will really notice in the short term, am I telling all of you? Well for starters, it's my birthday. If you can't tell the truth on your birthday, when can you? And I like to keep it real! Sure, I want strangers and people on the street to remark how good I look but I want all of YOU to know the truth. Friends and family you love me as I am right now and you'll continue to love me with a perfectly smooth forehead and no crows feet, right?
But there's another reason I'm fessing up to this. And it's a good one. Ready for it?
Because it's NOT TRUE, suckers!
Really, please tell me you didn't think I was serious did you?! Sure, botox is many people's thing but did you really think it was MY thing? Have you met me?! Ok many of you haven't met me in real life but I think you all know me well enough by now! I don't like taking prescription medicine, much less injecting something into my face. So no, I am not getting botox.
But someone in this family is. And it might surprise you.
Wait for it...
Jordan is getting botox. And I am outing him right here, right now. Jordan is not growing old gracefully either. He is looking down the barrel at 38 and it isn't pleasing him. So rather than have a mid life crisis, he's getting botox.
No he's not. Jordan is not getting botox. Seriously Tracey, this isn't funny anymore (was it in the first place?!).
I am not getting botox. Jordan is not getting botox. My forty-something sister is not getting botox (Are you Di?!).
But Asher is.
ASHER IS GETTING BOTOX. NOT FOR HIS WRINKLES. FOR HIS CEREBRAL PALSY. AND THAT IS THE TRUTH.
Yes, I just yelled that if you were unsure. It's important news. But as important as it is, I think I've spent enough time talking about botox today. You'll get the full report soon, don't you worry, but today's my birthday so I'm going to focus on that. And by focus on that I mean try not to hyperventilate when I realize I have only 365 precious days left before I'm forty. Gulp. Time to carpe diem the crap out of the thirties while I can!
My 29th birthday. In Bolivia. Shouldn't I look happier to be so young?!