Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Dear Me, Five Years Ago

Dear Tracey, five years ago,

Your life is about to change, more than you thought possible. You've had surgery and are on bed rest in an attempt to keep your babies growing inside of you for at least another two months, but hopefully longer. You're still amazingly positive about the whole thing but the universe has different plans for you and your babies. This is a fact you may not ever understand - but we'll get back to that in a minute. In the mean time, hold on. It's going to be a trip.

In the next few days your babies are going to be born - their little bodies fragile and clinging to life. Lucky for all of you their souls are strong and full of life.

The hours, days, weeks, and months after their birth are going to be some of the worst of your life. There is little to celebrate because your babies are fighting to live another day. The important thing is they will survive. All of you will survive.

You will be devastated. Utterly and completely gutted. You will believe life as you know it is over. Well let's just rip the bandaid off and tell you something shocking - it is. You are starting a new journey now. One you never wished for but the one you were born for.

I wish I could tell you it's all going to be ok and just leave it at that. Because you know what? It is going to be ok. It really is. But in the mean time there's going to be a lot of not ok times and you need to get through them. I would be lying if I said it was all easy, and you deserve the truth.

Here is the thing: Nothing I, or anyone else, tells you matters. Because you need to figure this out for yourself. My words are meaningless. You just need to live it, and do your best every day. You know what, forget that. Some days you won't even be able to do your best and that's ok too. Just do it. Keep on keeping on. Get out of bed in the morning and make sure your kids are safe - some days that's all you're going to be able to muster.

You will grieve. And grieve. And continue to grieve. And that will be a process for the rest of your life. You will never "get over" the boys' birth or the circumstances around it. But your heart will move to a more peaceful place. You will accept that this is the path your entire family was always meant to be on even if you don't fully understand why.  Some days acceptance will be harder than others but you will actively work on it.

You will need your old friends. You will need the new friends you would not have known outside of this journey, yet you now consider them some of your dearest. You will need a therapist. You will need wine. And chocolate. And coffee. And often in combination throughout the day.

Some days will be so much harder than you expected. Most days will be so much easier.

You will go through deep, dark periods of despair and anger before you start seeing the brightness. But your clouds will one day have silver linings.

Things that once seemed important will lose value. Things you never realized were actually important will become your focus. You will feel pride that you've been blessed with a set of eyes through which many people are unable to see the world.

You will grow. You will strengthen. You will become a better person. 

Go easy on yourself mama. It'll be a rough ride at times but worth it. They're worth it. They will amaze you minute by minute with their resilience and the miracle that they are and all they have survived. The five of you will motivate and inspire.

And if you only take one thing from this message, let it be this: You will be happy. HAPPY. Your kids will flourish and laugh far more than they ever feel sadness. Your marriage will be strong. You will find success in ways you didn't imagine. Disability will become a small part of your world and love and happiness will be the biggest. Believe me, even if that seems impossible now. After all, I am your older and wiser self.

Hang in there, you can do this. You really can.

Love,
Tracey


4 comments:

  1. What can I say? Simply beautiful.

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  2. Amazing letter to yourself and what an awesome idea.

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  3. This was just beautiful. Truly. Many hugs, mama.

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  4. We send you love, past and present :)

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